


Pieces of a Shattered Moon

by Spunky0ne



Series: Pieces of a Shattered Moon [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 02:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sosuke Aizen's treachery leaves Byakuya shattered, Renji picks up the pieces. When Renji disappears, to what lengths will Byakuya go to rescue him? Is love worth the cost?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Definitions of Love and Hate

"Renji…why are you here?"

"I'm here because…you're my captain."

"You probably wish I was dead. That's probably what you're thinking."

"No. If you were to die, then what motivation would I have for getting stronger? And in fact, Captain…"

"You were saying something, before Ichigo burst in…what was it, Renji?" my captain asks, turning to stare out the window.

I look down at the pale, heavily bandaged man lying in the bed in front of me and I realize that I can't find the words. They were there just a minute ago, poised on my lips, just waiting to be released. I sigh heavily instead and drop into a chair at his side and scratch my head. I wanted to say something before…wanted with all of my heart to say it, but when that moment was broken, the reality of what it would mean...the probability of heavy consequences made me lose my nerve. Now I gaze blankly at my captain, unable to move forward and with no chance of turning back. Because even though the words never left me, they are still in my mind...and in my heart.

"It…was nothing, Captain. I just meant that you shouldn't think that I would want you dead. I don't…so please don't say that anymore."

I half expect him to pursue me with questions. I almost wish he would, because then, if I told him what I was thinking, it would be because he forced it from me. I wouldn't have to feel this aching fear, this lonely torment that comes from wondering. Is it just me? But my captain simply accepts my answer with a polite glance and faint nod of his head, before sliding down into the pillows and closing his eyes. At this point, I don't know if that means I should leave. In the past, it would have been a clear dismissal, but the man lying in the bed before me is not the one I despise. He isn't the man I've sought so long to surpass. That man disappeared under the shattering blows of his battle with Ichigo, and under the horrifying weight of learning just how badly Sosuke Aizen used him. I try to think of how that's got to feel. It is unimaginable. The damage to his shattered body pales in comparison to what has been done to his spirit. It isn't pity that I feel for my captain. What I feel is sympathy with him. All of us made mistakes. All of us. We share the blame in what happened. But some seem to be paying more than their share of the cost.

Even the cuts he placed on my body are not enough punishment for my mistake, my failure...because even though he supported Rukia's execution, even though he dedicated himself to stopping those who, like me, wanted to rescue her, the truth of the matter is that his heart wasn't in what he was doing. It was a relief to him when Ichigo defeated him. And it was shattering for him to learn that the law had been manipulated, that he had been turned against his own sister by a man whose wickedness was rivaled only by his naked ambition. I have to wonder. If I had done right by him from the start, would he have fallen so far? Would he be lying here half-dead in front of me with his heart torn and his mind tormented with guilt?

I'm his vice captain. There is a responsibility that goes with that...one that I didn't have to abandon, because I never intended to honor it. I didn't become his vice captain because I wanted to. I was promoted. Simple as that.

I won't say that I wasn't pleased with the assignment. It couldn't have worked better into my plans. They say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Although he wouldn't have considered me worthy of being his enemy, he was definitely mine...because of Rukia. And now he was close to me, so close that I wonder why he didn't sense what I was doing. I don't know...maybe he did and he figured that, even so, I was useful to him and I posed no real threat. Or, most likely, I was simply beneath notice. In any case, my promotion resulted in two important changes. First, it brought me back into Rukia's orbit. Secondly, it gave me a place from which to observe him, to watch and learn everything about him...so that some day I could turn on him and defeat him. That's right. Even before he did anything blatantly wrong, even when his worst crime was to offer Rukia a place in a wealthy home, I had it in for him. I wanted him to pay, because he took her out of my life. In truth, he had no idea what role Rukia and I played in each other's lives. Why would he? He is noble. Rukia and I are street rats. The only reason he did what he did was because he was honoring the request of his late wife.

After I heard him tell Rukia the story, I couldn't help but feel the totality of my failure. Byakuya Kuchiki is not who I thought he was. He is not a heartless bastard noble who thinks he is better than everyone. He is a noble man who fell in love with a peasant woman and married her. He's a fucking prince who took that woman into his noble home even though it was against the rules. He didn't think that he was too good for her. He loved her enough to break rules and to pay the consequences. What cause would I have to despise someone like that?

But I mistook his behavior to mean that he was heartless and arrogant. Okay, he is arrogant, but he isn't heartless. Or at least he wasn't heartless. What he is now is heartbroken...and you can't be heartbroken if you never had a heart. I completely misjudged him.

So I wonder who was more arrogant...me or him? He loved a woman everyone considered to be beneath him. I hated a man for offering my best friend a place in a wealthy home. He sacrificed what he wanted...to honor the warring wants and needs of his wife and his parents, and got torn apart for it. I took a position of trust, never intending to honor it.

It's hard to wrap my mind around who this man really is...beneath the noble mask he wears. I hated what I saw at the surface. I still hate the mask enough to want to shatter it. But I didn't have to shatter it. Ichigo and Aizen did that for me. And once they did, it changed everything. Because, how can I hate a man who embodies everything I love? Who looks beyond the surface of a person to what lies beneath? Who thinks that who a person is is more important than the family he comes from? How can I hate a man courageous enough to defy the stiff rules of the noble class? Who would deny his own wants and needs to serve those of others he loves...his wife?...his parents? How can I hate a man who would take what should have been a fatal blow to save the life of his sister? I can't hate a person like that. He may put up the front of being an arrogant, stuck up bastard, but the man beneath is nothing like that. And now that I know who he is, I can't deny that what I feel is about as far from hatred as you can get. But I can't say the words now, not even to myself. It would be hypocritical. And it would be worse if he felt the same. I set out to hurt him. I don't deserve anything more than the cuts he gave me.

But there is something I can do to make things right. I can't go back and change the fact that I took this position near him with the intent of taking him down, that I took on this trust with the intent of stabbing him in the back. But I can make sure that from this day, I honor the place I have at his side. I will never leave his side again. I will always be there for him. As long as I defend him, nothing will touch him. I am not worthy of his love, but I can serve him. I can really be his vice captain...the one he deserves...the one he should have had at his side when he took those frightening steps to save Rukia.

While I'm still deep in thought, the door opens behind me and Rukia walks into the room. I stand and motion for her to take the chair next to her brother. I pull another chair up alongside her.

"How is he, Renji?" Rukia asks quietly.

"Physically?" I say, "He shouldn't even be alive. Gin's zanpakuto tore through his heart and half of everything else. He shouldn't be here at all. I don't know what kept him alive. I don't know anyone else that strong, Rukia."

"Have they said anything about how long it will be before he regains his power?" she asks, looking up at me.

"No one knows," I tell her, "They say it depends on him. The healers can only do so much. He has to want to get well, Rukia."

Rukia sighs and lays a hand on his arm.

"Byakuya," she whispers.

She leans against me, laying her head on my shoulder, her eyes fixed on her brother. We stay that way until darkness comes, until the healers come to tell them us visiting hours are over and shoo us out of the room. In all of that time, Byakuya's eyes never open. It isn't until I start to get up that I finally notice where a single tear has broken free and traced a line down the side of my broken captain's proud face. I feel as heartbroken as he is. I am careful to turn Rukia away before she sees it.

"Renji…I'm sorry." Byakuya says, his voice so soft that it barely reaches me.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I don't know why he thinks he needs to say it. I don't know what made him break the silence and let the words out. I only know that they cut into me like a blade. And now, after two weeks of near silence, these words come out so suddenly. There was a time when I would have given anything to hear these same words, but now they tear at me.

"Stop, Captain, we've all done things lately that we're sorry for," I tell him.

"But," he continues in the same hushed tone, "I've done so much damage…to people I was sworn to protect. I thought…that…that the pain in my life…the things that hurt the most…were a kind of punishment for my choice to disobey the rules and laws I was supposed to follow."

I can't help but stare in confusion. Byakuya has never, ever spoken to me like this. He has been all about coldness and indifference. This is very, very different...and it frightens me.

"What do you mean, Captain Kuchiki?"

Byakuya sighs, a soft release of breath and sorrow. I can't breathe at all. It's him again...the man beneath the mask, but now he's talking directly to me. Why?

"A long time ago…I made a decision…to follow my heart. I was deeply in love with Hisana. I knew it was wrong in the eyes of the law, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn't change what was in my heart…nor could I ignore it. I had to be with her. I…couldn't leave her…even though I knew it was wrong. Somehow, I think that…that I was responsible for her death. The illness she had…it was bad enough on its own, but when she became pregnant, it became fatal. Because I went against the law…and I married her…and I tried to build a family with her, I weakened her to the point where she sickened and died."

"But, Captain, you didn't know she was ill when…"

"No…it was only once we lost our child that it became clear that she was ill," Byakuya explains.

"Then, how can you say that her dying was your fault?" I ask.

"I caused her to be with child. I did that. If I hadn't…loved her, married her…made her pregnant, she might have lived. I know this…because I asked Captain Unohana. She said that what made her weaken so quickly was the demands that her pregnancy placed on her body. That…was my fault. If I had listened…If I had obeyed the rules…she would be alive. I have to live with that."

But he had listened to his heart instead. It wasn't his fault. It's not like he could have known she was sick. If there had been a way to know, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have done whatever he could to keep her alive. He would have given up on having children with her, with anyone, ever...something else his noble family would have opposed.

"Captain…"

"There's more…Before she died, Hisana asked me, no…pleaded with me to find her younger sister and to make her a part of my family…to protect her. This too, was a violation of the law. Also…my taking Rukia into the family deeply affected your life, as well. I broke the law again by taking her into the family. And again…I paid for that. You paid for it, too. For me, the pain of even looking at her was so…unbearable, that I did everything I could to keep Rukia at a distance. I thought that because I let no physical harm come to her, that I was remaining true to what I had promised my wife. I completely missed the point of having her with me. Hisana wanted Rukia with me…because she wanted us to share a pain that we would have in common. As much as she wanted me to protect Rukia, she wanted Rukia to heal my broken heart. Renji, if I had taken the time to look at the life Rukia already had, if I had spent a moment caring about what might be best for her, I might not have taken her away from you. My choice to break the law caused heartbreak for me…and for you. In addition, it left Rukia bereft of her best friend and valued support that she could have used."

I can't listen anymore. It's bad enough to have misjudged him and to have failed him as I did, but to have him sit here and say these things to me...to the one who, just a few weeks ago would have killed him without a second thought. I can't do this.

"Please Captain…stop…don't blame yourself. You were only trying to do what was right."

"After I saw the damage that following my heart had caused, I vowed to follow the law. But, Renji, that was wrong, too. It almost got Rukia killed…"

"You didn't let that happen, Captain Kuchiki. What you did…pulling her out of the way, taking that blow for her…I mean, you could have died."

"I deserved to die for my mistakes. I don't…understand why I'm still here, Renji. When I stepped in front of Gin's blade, I knew I was going to die. I thought that it was justice…that I was just going to pay for what I'd done. But I'm sitting here alive and I have no clue what to do now. I don't trust my own heart…and I don't trust the law. What is left? How do I know what to do now?"

His eyes close and he turns his head away. I'm glad he's not looking at me now. I take the time to brush away the tears that are rising in my eyes. I can't think about that moment...him stepping in front of that blade, my failure to be there for him, the fact that he almost died, the fact that he thinks he deserved death. On legs that feel like they are full of lead, I step closer. I'm about to break a hard and fast rule. The cold and indifferent man I knew before would probably kill me for it. Something tells me this man won't.

"I think," I say, placing a hand on his shoulder, "that you just have to put one foot in front of the other…find your balance again. Life is like that, Captain. Sometimes it's best to follow your heart, sometimes your head, and sometimes the law."

His body trembles softly when I touch him. I don't think he expected this from me. In truth, I didn't expect to try it, but things are different now. We are redefining boundaries.

"But how do I know which one?" Byakuya whispers, looking up at me.

"I don't know that, Captain, but what I do know is that you can't do it alone. You need others, people you trust to be there, to help you when you don't know what to do."

"I don't trust anyone…except you."

I can't move. I can't breathe. What did he say?

"Wait! What?" I stammer, "How can you trust me? I…I turned on you. You are my captain and I tried to kill you. How can you say that you trust me now?"

He manages something that looks suspiciously close to a sad smile. He has no idea how hard this is making my head spin, how fast my heart is beating.

"You tell me the truth, Renji. You don't conceal things. When you say something to me, I know that you mean it."

What the fuck? What is he saying? How can he say that? But then...maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't that I was beneath his notice. He noticed me all right, but he must have completely misread my intentions. Now I really feel like a dog. I tell him the truth? I don't conceal things? Shit! Has he ever got me wrong! And now he is giving me his trust. He's pouring out his heart. A few weeks ago, I would have only collected the information to use against him later, but now I can't be that cold. I don't know what to do. I don't deserve to be taken into his confidence. I don't trust myself. But I can't refuse him either. If I do, who will he have to turn to? Out of fairness and a good measure of guilt, I give him the chance to back down. 

"But I failed you…in the worst way a vice captain can!" I remind him, "I attacked you…and then I…I wasn't there for you when you needed me…when Shinzou was tearing through your body. I should have been at your side."

"No…you were right to try to save Rukia. I was the one who did everything wrong. You were there all along, trying to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I deserved that wound. I deserved to die."

He won't let me off the hook. Damn! I don't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to have his heart put in the hands of someone like me. But who else is there? For some reason, Byakuya Kuchiki chose me. Why? Why would he do that?

"You made some mistakes, Captain. We all make mistakes."

"You see, Renji," he says, almost smiling again, "even now…after everything, still you stand by me and tell me the truth. That is why I trust you."

Well, it's done, now. The trust has been given. I have no choice now, but to honor it. The problem is, once again, I'm being dishonest. I'm concealing something from him. I am secretly overjoyed that he chose to place his trust in me. I want him to open up to me. I want to embrace the man beneath the mask...because I am in love with him.

"Well, from now on, I promise you, I will be deserving of your trust. I will be there for you. I promise I will watch your back. I will always be at your side. I will always tell you the truth, even if it makes you want to kill me…and I will listen, too, Captain. I will listen any time…whenever you need it," I promise him.

He gets really quiet for a moment, then he looks up at me. I've never seen that kind of emotion in his eyes before. He's letting me see him. He's letting me in. My body is shaking and I can't stop it.

"Renji…I don't know what to say."

I gather all of my courage and do something I never thought I would. It isn't an admission of what I'm really feeling, but it does convey something of it, just perhaps not enough to be blatantly obvious. I reach over and take his hands. He freezes, but he doesn't pull away. His eyes are locked on mine, questioning. I'll leave things like this for now. It isn't the time to push him. There is a long road ahead of us and, right now, what he needs is a friend. I can do that. I can be a friend.

"Don't say anything," I tell him, "This is what should have existed between us all along."

I've never seen him look the way he does now, with his vulnerability brought all of the way to the surface. He is at a loss for words. He's trying desperately to respond.

"I don't deserve that kind of loyalty, Renji," he says finally.

There is no way I'll let him keep thinking that. I give him a dismissive glare.

"Shut up, Captain, don't be stupid. Of course you do."

"Renji?"

"Yeah?"

"Honesty is good…but…don't forget your place."

"Oh…sorry, Captain."

Okay. I can be his vice captain and his friend.


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya disappears from the healing center, and Rukia and Renji worry that he doesn't plan to return.

I look into Byakuya's room in the healing center and I can't believe what I see. The bed he was in is empty. I know he isn't dead. I would have felt that. But he was still not healed enough to leave. He shouldn't be out of bed yet. I grab the nearest squad 4 healer and propel him into the room, pointing at the empty bed.

"Where is Captain Kuchiki?" I demand.

"Well, Vice Captain," the kid says nervously, "He...he isn't here."

"What the hell do you mean he isn't here?" I yell, "What…did you idiots misplace him somewhere? The man took a blow that would have killed anyone else! He wasn't in any shape to go anywhere!"

The healer looks up at me apologetically.

"Sir, we didn't put him anywhere," he explains, "We knew how badly he was injured. We never would have just let him leave. It's just that…he just…left. He was here during evening rounds and he was gone this morning. He didn't tell anyone he was leaving."

"Are you telling me that Byakuya Kuchiki just walked out of here and no one even saw him leave?"

"Sir…that is exactly what I'm telling you. Look, he's a captain. If he wanted to leave without being seen, he certainly could. And if he didn't tell his family or his own vice captain where he was going, then it is clear that he does not want to be found. I'm sorry, Vice Captain Abarai, I wish I could be of more help to you."

The healer walks out of the room, leaving me staring at what Byakuya left behind in his room. On the table near the door are the broken remains of his kenseiken, his guards, and his neatly folded haori. A newly returned Senbonzakura leans against the table. Maybe no one else sees the significance of these things he left behind, but I do. The kenseiken, the hand guards, and the silken scarf he draped over me after we fought...These are the things that identify him as a noble...the things that set him apart. The haori and zanpakuto are the symbols of his ranking and power. For him to leave them behind is a frightening message. It seems I am the only one who cares to read it. Maybe I'm the only one who can understand it. I take the things he left behind and race out of the healing center.

I go to the 6th Division office first, although I know he probably won't be there. Despite what is happening, I have to be sure that our Squad is taken care of. I promised him that I would...until he returned. Byakuya's chair is empty, but there is a large amount of activity in the room. All of the seated officers are diligently keeping up with all of the paperwork and procedures during the captain's absence. A huge stack of documents awaits my signature. I take a moment to sign them, then send a runner to deliver them to the proper recipients. I check the board and approve the training schedules and Living World Deployments, then look to see if there are any special projects. Finding none, I take my leave of the office and make my way to the Kuchiki home.

I have never approached the Kuchiki home without an invitation. I don't feel particularly good about doing so now, but I have to be sure Byakuya is okay. It's so strange, him leaving his weapon and haori behind. It deeply worries me. All of this is very unlike my captain. I try to ignore the sick scared, feeling rising in my stomach and knock on the door.

The door opens and the Kuchiki's old housekeeper looks out at me sternly. I'm used to this. She's not even all that friendly when I have been invited here.

"May I help you?" she asks solemnly.

"Uh, yes, thanks," I say, smiling, "I'm…actually looking for Captain Kuchiki. Is he here?"

"Captain Kuchiki has not yet been released from the healing center. You may find him there."

She starts to close the door, but I stop it with my hand. Now she glares at me. I'm a little intimidated. I have to be sure I don't get myself into trouble that would land me in jail.

"What are you doing?" she asks angrily, "I said…"

"He isn't there," I tell her, "I just went there and they said that he just left during the night. He left a number of things behind at the healing center. I need to…investigate the premises to see if there are any clues. He may have slipped into the house during the night and then left again. May I come in?"

The housekeeper is still glaring at me. I pull out the stops and glare back at her.

"Look, Captain Kuchiki is missing. I would think that someone loyal to the family would want to help as much as possible. Are you telling me that you don't care that he's gone?"

The housekeeper lowers her eyes.

"I am sorry, Vice Captain Abarai," she says softly, "I cannot help you."

I step back in shock and the door closes in my face. That doesn't hurt as much as knowing how little his own staff thinks of him. Maybe the cold, indifferent man I used to know deserves it. He's strong enough to handle it. But how does that other person, the prince with a heart of gold, live among people like this?

"Damn!"

"Renji?" Rukia says from somewhere behind me.

"Rukia, am I glad to see you!"

"I was just about to go and see my brother," Rukia says, smiling, "Do you want to come, too?"

"Rukia," I say, placing a hand on her arm, "Captain Kuchiki left the healing center last night. He left his haori and Senbonzakura behind. No one knows where he went. I tried to get in the manor to see if there were any clues to where he went, but they wouldn't let me in. I even told them that he was missing."

Rukia looks up at me sadly, but her face evidences no surprise at what I said.

"You have to understand, Renji, my brother changed a great deal after my sister's death. It is sad, because he and Hisana used to have the hearts of everyone around here…at least, that's what I was told. But after she died, he turned inward…and he treated everyone coldly. That is why they are like that. It would have been very different if my sister was still alive."

"Rukia, I don't care that he deserved to be disliked by them…or that they were hurt when he turned his back on them in his misery. All that matters to me is that Byakuya is missing and no one seems to want to help me find him."

Rukia looks up at me with determination. I love seeing that fire back in her eyes. Even though her powers won't be fully returned for some time, she still has spunk. I smile. We turn back to the house together and Rukia opens the door and walks in. The housekeeper looks up and smiles at her, but the smile fades when she sees me.

"My brother is missing," Rukia says sternly, "You are to allow Vice Captain Abarai free access to the house while he investigates this. No one is to bother him or restrict the areas he chooses to search."

"Yes, Miss Rukia," the housekeeper says solemnly.

Rukia leads me to the hallway, then stops and looks back at me questioningly.

"Where do you think we should look first?" she asks.

"His room?" I say, feeling a twinge in my stomach. 

I've never been in his bedroom before. 

Rukia nods, but looks somewhat intimidated. No one is allowed in Byakuya's room…ever, without his permission. She is probably worried about what he will do to us if this is some kind of mistake and if he is actually in his room. She knocks softly and waits, then knocks again. There is no answer. Slowly, she opens the door and we step inside.

The lights are off and the room is bathed in blackness. Rukia switches on the light and we step forward. I am a little surprised by the simplicity of this room. He could certainly fill this place with anything he chooses, but his choices are telling. The furniture is handmade cherry wood. The design is simple and elegant, not flashy or expensive. The bed looks so soft and comfortable that it almost begs me to sink into it. My heart skips and I feel a little dizzy at the thought. There is a peg near the door, probably for his haori, and a stand for Senbonzakura. Looking around, I see that Byakuya's bed is neatly made and nothing in the room seems to have been moved recently. I am just about to abandon the search when Rukia gasps softly and moves to the open shrine at the back of the room.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Her picture," Rukia says, her face pale, "He took her picture with him!"

XXXXXXXXXX

It feels wrong leaving Renji behind the way I did, but I don't know exactly what I'm looking for and I don't feel like having to try to explain myself, not even to him. So I slip out the gates of the Sereitei and then walk slowly out into the Rukon District. I am not terribly worried about being recognized now that the Sereitei is behind me. The people of the Rukon District have never even seen Byakuya Kuchiki without the trappings of his status as a noble and a captain. And I wear and carry none of these. The clothes I do wear have been in my possession for around fifty years. I folded them neatly and kept them in the back of one of my drawers for all of that time, never once looking at them. In fact, I had almost forgotten they were there until last night. I realized last night that if I plan to spend time among commoners, I have to be able to blend in.

They are simple clothes…a pair of slim brown pants with a hard leather belt, a soft brown shirt, and a darker brown cloak. I wore them only once…when the peasants of Inuzuri were the ones to find me…to save my life. Hisana was, of course, the one who found me on the battlefield outside of Inuzuri. She took me to a nearby cave and cared for me until it became clear I needed more help than she could give me. Sick from the poison and suffering from infection, I collapsed. It was then that Hisana sought help from the doctor and his wife in Inuzuri. When I was brought to Inuzuri, my own clothes were torn, muddy, and soaked. The town doctor's family gave me this outfit, handmade by his wife…and said something that meant nothing to me at the time, but now echoes in my head with new meaning.

"Keep them for the next time you get lost."

I cannot imagine feeling any more lost than this. So I put on these simple clothes and wear my hair pulled back and fastened with a red hair tie, like I did back then. On my feet, I wear a soft pair of boots, also a gift from the doctor of Inuzuri.

The air around me is chilly and I pull the cloak more closely around me to ward off the cold. It was cold here the last time I passed this way, too. I wonder if the days are ever warm here. I wonder how Hisana bore it, how Rukia and Renji managed to stay warm. 

I know the way to Inuzuri although I have not been there in many years. Fifty years ago, I left the Sereitei with my division and we followed this same path.

_"Vice Captain Kuchiki, when we reach Inuzuri, we need to be as concerned about trouble from the townspeople as from the hollow we are being sent to fight."_

_"Hai, Captain, I will keep that in mind."_

_"Just outside the town, there is a caravan of merchants that was coming in for the spring fair. They have been troubled by hollow a few times and the usual means are not working. That is troubling when you consider that the peasants of Inuzuri are often more dangerous than hollow. Byakuya, you should be prepared to attempt use of your Ban Kai if we get into trouble with very strong hollow. I know you haven't trained for long enough to fully control it, but it may become necessary, so be prepared."_

_"Hai, Captain."_

I make my way through the dusty streets of the Rukongai, studying the faces of the people around me. The area I am in is one of the better areas, so in general, it seems the people are content. The further along I travel, the more rundown the buildings are, the less friendly the eyes that meet mine…until finally, I reach Inuzuri and the people no longer meet anyone's eyes. They do not dare. Here, the buildings are barely standing…held up by repeated poor repair jobs. The stands are close together to protect the items for sale and the brave souls who attempt to sell them. There are only a few old horses and the carts are all damaged. I cannot bear the thought of Hisana living here.

"Are you new here?"

I turn and barely stop a fist from hitting me in the face. I quickly strike the offender in the midsection, causing him to double over and drop to the ground.

"Not so new," I say softly, turning away.

The young man is poorly dressed and probably wants the cloak, but I am not going to give up my only source of warmth. I did not bring along any money to buy another to replace it. In fact, the only thing I brought with me is the picture of Hisana.

I continue down the maze of streets until I reach a building that resonates. The doctor's name is still on the sign outside the door. I step forward and tap lightly on the door. After a moment, an old woman comes to the door and looks out at me appraisingly. At first, her look is stern, but then she sees the clothing I wear and throws the door open wide.

"Well," she says softly, "If it isn't the young officer come back from the Sereitei. How are you, Byakuya?"

"I fear I am lost again, Noa. But…it is good to see you again," I reply, "Where is Michi?"

"Ah, where would he be but off saving a lost soul somewhere. There is a family outside of town sick with a bad fever. They already lost a daughter to it. The parents and the other girl and boy look like they will live, though. He should be back soon. Come inside and let me make some tea for us."

I follow her inside and sit down at the small table in the kitchen. As I wait, I study the poor, but neatly kept room. Noa chatters cheerfully as she prepares the tea and soon sets it before me. I take a sip and smile. It is exactly as I remember it. I remember it because when I taste it, I cannot help but feel the sense of being at home, of being expected and welcome. That is why even after I went back, I had to continue to have it, every day since.

"You approve, young officer? And you a noble? My skills must have improved over the years if I can match the fine tea that graces your table, Byakuya."

I almost laugh because there is far more to this simple preparation than ever went into the finest teas in the Sereitei.

"Noa, you may not know this…but…there is only one in the Sereitei whose tea approaches the quality of yours…and I had to hand train him to make it for me. You have no idea how long it took for him to master it and how much he hates me for making him learn how."

"Flattering, to be sure, but I feel sorry for the poor soul you tortured."

Renji's face flashes in my mind and my heart twinges. Noa's eyes narrow. She is another who sees through me.

"You look like a man with a heavy heart, Byakuya. I know you've missed having Hisana at your side all of these years, but this is a pain dealt more recently, is it not?" she asks gently.

I sigh softly and take another sip of tea. Noa contemplates my silence and continues.

"Will you be staying in town tonight, then?" she asks.

I shake my head.

"I have…something I must do. I only wanted to stop here and say something to you and Michi. Perhaps, you could pass on the message."

"Very well, Byakuya," she says smiling, "What is it?"

"I want to say thank you. I never had the chance back then to thank you properly for your hospitality and for saving my life. The soul reapers came so suddenly and took me home so quickly that by the time I was really coherent, I had been returned to the Sereitei. I know fifty years is a very long time to wait for gratitude, but better late than never, I imagine."

"Byakuya, you took the lovely Hisana from these streets and you made her happy. Even though she died so soon after, the happiness you gave her is thanks enough."

Happiness, perhaps, but what good is that when the price was to be an early grave? Why thank me for that?

"I wish that were true," I whisper, "but I was never good enough for her…and perhaps it would have been better if she had never found me."

Noa's smile fades. I've said too much.

"That is a heavy heart you carry, Byakuya. Please, while you are in Inuzuri, I want you to stay with us. Any friend of Hisana's is a friend to us as well."

I stand and lean down to kiss the old woman gently on the cheek. She is one of the reasons Hisana managed to survive here and I am deeply grateful.

"I am sorry," I tell her, "I have some debts to pay. Thank you, again."

I move back to the door and am gone in a flash. I feel Noa's eyes watching me as I disappear. She worries for my badly broken heart…and she knows that the path I walk is a dangerous one.


	3. Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya encounters a dangerous hollow in Inuzuri, while Renji searches for his missing captain.

"We've been over every inch of his room, Renji," Rukia sighs in frustration, "All we know is that he took the picture of Hisana and that he left his shihakusho here."

"So he wasn't wearing his uniform…but then, what would he be wearing, Rukia?" I ask, half to myself.

"Well, he sometimes wears a kimono around here, but the ones he usually wears are all here. It doesn't make sense."

She moves back to the closet and studies the clothes hanging in the closet. As she moves one of the kimonos, it slips from the hanger and falls onto the floor of the closet. Rukia bends to pick it up and gasps softly.

"They're missing," she says.

"What's missing?" I ask, staring at the closet floor.

Rukia looks up at me excitedly.

"Leather boots, Renji!" she says quickly, "I asked him about them because I saw them and they're so different than the sandals he usually wears. He said they were a gift."

"A gift from who?"

Rukia furrows her brow. Byakuya does that too. I wonder who learned it from who? Whatever, it's cute.

"I don't know that he ever told me…but Renji, it must have something to do with the time when he met Hisana, because he said he'd had them for about fifty years!"

"So he took Hisana's picture and wore leather boots that he got around the time that he met Hisana," I muse, "Rukia, you know that probably means he's in…"

"Inuzuri?" Rukia says, her face now lined with concern.

"It kind of makes sense, doesn't it?" I sigh, "He feels guilty about failing Hisana…and you. So he went back there. But Rukia, what do you think he went there for?"

"I'm not sure…but that place…a lot of things happened when he went there. He met Hisana, but the reason he met her is because he was badly injured in a terrible battle there. It was awful, Renji, his entire fighting unit was slaughtered. The worst of it, though, was that he saw his captain get killed by a hollow, and then he was poisoned by the same hollow. Hisana found him on the battlefield. He was the only one, man or hollow, left alive. Hisana found him just as a huge storm hit and she helped him to a small cave near the battlefield. She wasn't a healer, but she bandaged him as best she could, and then kept him from freezing to death until the storm ended. After the storm, she found help, and he was brought back to the Seireitei. Hisana returned with him and they were married shortly after."

I remember the story, even that Byakuya was the officer. It never really hit me before. He watched his captain die before his eyes. He has already endured that which is my greatest fear.

"So…in addition to being connected to Hisana, Inuzuri is also connected to the loss of his captain. Rukia, I think that would be reason enough for him to return there."

"Yes," she agrees, "it would. The only question is, what is he going to do there? We have to go…"

I place a gentle hand on Rukia's shoulder. This won't be easy.

"No, Rukia," I say softly, "Look, I know he is your brother and that you are as worried about him as I am…but you cannot come with me. Wait…please, just listen! I know you grew up there with me and that you can handle yourself, but your powers have not yet returned. You know you aren't really up to it. And Byakuya would absolutely kill me if I let you come."

Rukia's eyes are fiery, but she sees that I am right. I smile supportively.

"You're…probably right," she admits, "but Renji…I want to help him! Like you said, he is my brother…and he is in a lot of pain right now. He is confused and he feels like he failed everyone he was supposed to protect. How bad has that got to feel, Renji?"

"Rukia, I am going to make you a promise. He is my captain. I will find him. I will help him deal with this…and I will bring him home again. I swear this to you. Please, trust me, Rukia."

Rukia steps forward and places a hand on my cheek, looking into my eyes. She smiles in deep gratitude.

"Thank you, Renji. I know I can trust you. I know that if you go to find him, my brother will be in good hands. Just…be careful, Renji. And hurry home."

"I will," I promise her.

I turn and flash step away.

XXXXXXXXXX

I follow the large trail out of Inuzuri and into the rocky wasteland area at its border. Dust swirls around my feet and my boots made a soft scraping sound as I walk. Looking around, I see a land as empty as my heart, devoid of life except for small bits of weeds and dry brush tucked in among the rocks. In fifty years it seemed nothing has changed at all. My mind echoes with memory at the sight of it.

_"We should see the merchants soon. That plume of smoke ahead should be their watchfire…although it looks pretty large. I'm getting a bad feeling about this, Vice Captain. Stay on your guard."_

_I move into a small pass. Rocky cliffs rise up on each side. It is a dangerous area, because of the rocks…and because of the potential for the landscape to conceal hollow or human attackers. I am fortunate that the area is empty today. All that is present today are the ghosts of my past. They stare down at me as I move through the pass and turn the sharp corner, then see the open area beyond, where the battle took place. My dead captain's voice sounds in my ears as I move forward._

_"Kami! Look at all of them! Weapons out! Vice Captain, take your group right. We'll go left."_

_The captain's eyes meet mine briefly._

_"Byakuya, remember what I said. Be ready to use Ban Kai if necessary."_

_"Hai, Captain."_

_I step forward and move to the right where my column went to protect the merchants and their burning caravan. Their screams of anger and of agony sound in his mind. Half were already killed before we arrived. None were standing when the battle was done. I hear again in my mind the roar of hollow, and the cries of dying merchants and soul reapers._

_"There are too many!"_

_Two strong hollow rise up out of the twisted mass that swells around them. My captain's eyes met mine from across the battlefield. I know what is expected and race forward. I take on one of them, as nearby, my captain faces the other._

_The hollow has slashed me solidly, but is now in too close. I release a punishing blast of pink petal blades at point blank range. There is nothing left of the strong hollow when I am done. The battlefield has grown quiet…too quiet. I turn._

It is strange to me how the dry ground seems to hold no evidence of the battle. Even the scorched rocks have faded until they no longer look as though they were ever burned. Newer brush has moved in to replace what burned to ash that day. Even the burnt hulks of the wagons are gone. Strange.

I walk south from the place where I battled the first of the strong hollow, moving over the ground slowly, as if still staggered by the injuries from my battle with the hollow. I can almost feel the slashes on my skin, the trickle and smell of blood.

_My captain's eyes meet mine one more time as the hollow releases a shower of poisoned barbs. My petal blades rise up swiftly in his defense, but they cannot reach him fast enough. My captain's eyes are shocked with sudden pain. I run forward, but my feet slide to a stop as the hollow draws back to attack again. Poison. My captain orders me not to move closer, but the captain is down and his strong eyes are closing. Something is breaking inside me, but my battle instincts force it away. The hollow moves towards me. I know better than to engage it at close range, but with my injuries, I cannot fight for very long. Perhaps it is time…_

_"Aren't you going to attack me, soul reaper?" the hollow rasps, moving forward, "Your captain did…and he died, soul reaper. You will die, too. Come. Come and meet your death."_

_Something is wrong. There is a drowsiness stealing over me, an unnatural weight to my body…a haze of confusion sinking into me, and it suddenly looks as though the hollow is closer…a flash step!...too close! Petal blades rise up in defense as a shower of poisoned barbs sweep over me. Most are caught and destroyed, but a single barb passes through and breaks the skin on my left forearm. The pain is instant and I feel the poison enter my blood, firing itself into my veins almost before it registers in my fogged mind that I took a hit. I have to end the battle before I fall._

_"Ban Kai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."_

_The swords rise out of the ground on either side of me, endless swords, countless blades, that surrounded the hollow, slashing at it from all directions. All that is left in the end is an unidentifiable lump. I stare for a moment, then my only desire is to reach his captain, but I am denied even this. Now the poison is taking over, burning me from the inside…and I am falling. The last thing I see is my captain's bloodied face…then I feel the rain beginning. It comes down slowly at first and then heavier. It comes down on the battlefield to wash away the blood._

"Why are you here?" a rasping voice says, shaking me out of my reverie.

My blood turns to ice. I find himself face to face with a large female hollow. She is, for the most part, human shaped and her red skin is translucent and glowing. The red mingled brokenly with sharp white hollow bone. Red eyes that match her skin peer out from behind a fall of red hair. It is the same color as Renji's. Every instinct I have is screaming for me to move, to act, but I stand frozen, the demonic red eyes holding mine as she approaches.

"You look like one of those rats from Inuzuri," she says, sliding closer.

She is inside my guard and I still cannot not move. My still healing body cannot yet respond. I am transfixed.

"But you smell like a soul reaper. Is that what you are, then?" she asked, her voice softening, "Are you a soul reaper? Where is your zanpakuto, soul reaper? Why are you alone and without a weapon?"

She is close enough now to reach out and touch me. A long arm extends and a clawed hand moves towards me. Still, I stand frozen, my spinning mind screaming to my body to act…but it is as though the message cannot move between them. The hollow smiles. I cannot breathe.

"You are not frozen with fear, soul reaper. What you feel is my power surrounding you. However, you are very strong. Perhaps you can break free. Why don't you try?"

The clawed fingertips have reached me now and are slowly tracing the lines of his face. I shiver at her touch, but cannot escape it. Her smile widens.

"You are beautiful for a soul reaper. I don't know whether to devour your soul…"

She leans forward and whispers into my ear. Her breath is warm and smells of brimstone.

"or just bury myself in that beautiful pale skin of yours. What do you think I should do, soul reaper?"

Her clawed hands fall to my chest, then the hollow stops, staring at me in surprise.

"You've been cut badly recently…by a soul cutter, a zanpakutou. You've been cut by one of your own kind?"

The clawed fingertip moves suddenly, tearing the front of my shirt and the bandages beneath it. She pulls the edges back and studies the wound for a moment.

"Did you know, soul reaper, that the zanpakutou leave markers…like a fingerprint? Of course you do. By reading the marker, you can identify the zanpakuto. I know who gave you this wound. They are in Hueco Mundo now. They plan for the war that will soon come. The question is, soul reaper, will you live to see that war?"

She leans forward, taking my face in her hands.

"If you will come back with me, if you will join us…I will let you live, soul reaper," she said, bringing her lips to mine.

My flash step finally engages and I find myself a safer distance away, sliding to a stop. The hollow smiles. I realize suddenly, that the flash step has drained me. I have not yet recovered enough for battle. I'll be lucky if I can summon a single attack. The hollow is moving. I am out of options. I throw everything into a red fiery blast of spirit energy. She smiles again and simply absorbs my weakened attack, then she is beside me again so quickly, it barely has time to register. The shock of the power running through me has weakened me. I drop to my knees. The hollow catches me and drops to her knees as well.

"You would be so fun to meet in battle at full strength, soul reaper. I wish I could keep you until you were strong enough, but you know, orders are orders…unless, are you someone of importance? Your powers are strong…usually anyway. But if you were of importance…Ichimaru Gin would not have cut you down and left you behind. He and Lord Aizen would have taken you with them. Why didn't they take you with them? Why did they cut you down and leave you to die?"

"Ichimaru Gin did not aim his blade at me."

I have no idea why I chose those words, this moment…but it brings a look of surprise to the hollow's face.

"You were struck down by mistake?" she asks, looking genuinely curious now.

"I stepped in front of his blade to protect my sister."

The hollow stares into my eyes.

"You are fearless…and reckless."

"I deserved to die. She did not."

Surprise registeres in the red eyes again. She strokes my face with the clawed fingertips. My heart races.

"Do you want that badly to die?" she asks, "Why would you want that, soul reaper? Tell me."

"I did not say that I wanted to die…I said that I deserved to die."

The look on the hollow's face is at once curious, rapt, and dangerous. She is holding me now, mostly because the flash step and the single kido attack have drained me to the point where I can no longer stand. She is, in fact, all that keeps me from sinking the rest of the way to the ground.

"A tormented soul," she says in a soft poignant whisper, "I understand. Do you see the irony here, soul reaper? I am a hollow. I have a hole where my heart used to be. I am a tormented soul."

One clawed fingertip touches the wound over my heart. I catch my breath. My eyes cannot break away from hers.

"You are hollow, too. You have a hole where your heart used to be. You are a tormented soul. You are one of us, but you don't even know it yet."

The words are spoken gently, but they cut through me like a blade. I sink into her arms, no longer caring that we are sworn enemies…no longer able to concern myself with whether she offers me comfort or death. But now it is the hollow's turn to be transfixed. She stares, enchanted by the torment she sees in the face of the soul reaper who rests so unresisting in her arms. Her face is alive with warring desires. She makes her choice.

She brings her mouth to mine and I am unable to resist, even to move. She tightens her hold on me and lowers me to the ground. She deepens the kiss, sliding her tongue into my mouth and tasting its warm depths. Her clawed hands scrape my chest leaving small red trails. For the first time in my life, I am terrified. I cannot stop what is happening...and she is in no hurry. I moan softly, a soulful sound that blends pleasure and pain, and it ignites an almost uncontrolled frenzy inside her that shows through those deadly red eyes. She won't be able to keep herself from devouring my soul for much longer. I can feel that she wants to take me slowly, to savor each moment as she draws the life from my defenseless body. 

She is so caught up in me that she stops caring about anything else. She cannot sense anything outside of the glowing light of the pure soul about to fall. She doesn't hear the footsteps approaching or the sound of a zanpakuto being drawn from its sheath. Renji!

"Roar Zabimaru!"

She barely moves in time to avoid the swiftly extending blade that seeks to tear at her. She rises into the sky above her attacker, hissing angrily. She takes one last look into my frightened eyes, then she fades away.

"I will find you again, soul reaper," she says as she disappears.


	4. The Simplest Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji and Byakuya take refuge in a cave outside Inuzuri, where Renji cares for his injured captain, and the two share an unexpected kiss!

There is a haze of red over me now. I remember that the hollow disappeared and that Renji made it leave, but even though I know it is him leaning over me, I cannot seem to bring his features into focus. I hear his voice, but the words are garbled and distant.

"…going to be fine…back to the Sereitei…"

"No," I manage in what sounds like a whimper of pain.

I feel his eyes on me. He probably thinks I'm crazy for refusing and he's lifting me and turning back toward town.

"No," I say again, gripping his arm, "walk n-north…to the low hills…by the river. It is there."

"What's there, Captain?" he asks, staring at me.

He does think I'm crazy.

"P-please, Renji, just…go north."

I haven't any energy left for speaking, so I hold onto Renji. He might not yet be convinced that I know what I am talking about, but he does turn to the north and walks across the rocky desert to the low hills nearby. It is the first time I have been here since Hisana helped me to the cave. I am surprised that it looks the same as it did then. Renji walks slowly, looking around as he goes. I wait until I see the bushy entrance, then I stop him.

"There…the bushes…a cave."

Now I see recognition. He must know about it. Well, he is my vice captain…and the story about the loss of my fighting unit is well known. It doesn't surprise me that he has figured out where we are.

"I think…I think I can walk, now," I tell him.

He sets me on my feet. I lean against him and we make our way to the cave entrance. We push aside the bushes and crawl inside. I am too mind fogged to be able to see the interior very well, but I know that in the back of the cave, there is an incline that I can rest on, so I don't have to lie flat on my back. I hear Renji follow as I crawl through the half-light. I feel ahead of me with searching hands. Finally, I feel the incline. I move onto it and turn so that I am lying on my back with my head elevated. Renji reaches my side and as soon as I lay down, he leans over me, checking my bandages. He hisses softly with discontent when he sees the torn shirt, the shredded bandages, and the open wound. Luckily for me, my vice captain actually stopped to think about what he was doing before he left the Sereitei. He brought fresh bandages, food, and water. It unsettles me to see Senbonzakura at his hip next to Zabimaru. I cannot go there right now. I fade out for a time, only returning when my vice captain's voice reaches me again.

"This might hurt, Captain," he tells me, "just tell me to stop if it is too painful."

He doesn't understand that I cannot feel anything. The pain registers as he removes the old bandages, but it doesn't seem to cause a response in my body. I am numb. He seems surprised I can hold so still. It is easy to do when you feel nothing.

I start to drift away as he puts the fresh bandages on my wounds. Even though his hands are calloused, they are far more comforting to me than the Squad 4 healers' ever were. I am not falling asleep, but I feel disoriented. He is leaning close and saying something. I cannot make out the words and he shakes me to bring me around, but I'm still somehow separated from reality. I reach up to reassure him that I know he is there and my fingers somehow end up tangled in the tie that holds back his hair. It comes lose and his hair is suddenly released around his face. My fingers sink into that silken redness and his face moves closer. I look up at him with glazed eyes and close the distance between us. I didn't plan for this to happen. His lips are warm and he doesn't pull away. I feel him stiffen and hesitate, then his body comes down to rest against mine. I feel weak and I cannot breathe. I want to stay with him, but I am falling away into darkness. The last thing I hear is his breathless whisper.

"Byakuya…"

I don't recall ever hearing him use my first name. I love how it sounds when he says it. I feel him turn and pull me close so that my head rests on his shoulder. He takes hold of my cloak and sweeps it over us to keep us warm while we sleep.

XXXXXXXXXX

"It was a fluke," I tell myself, "It's a mistake. There is no way that…that…just happened."

Even if he did just kiss me…he's injured. Not only that, he's heartsick. He's not in any shape to be making coherent decisions right now, so I'm not going to take that kiss seriously. But it feels unbelievingly good to feel him resting his head on my shoulder, his body warm and firm against my side. His breathing is so soft that I have to really look to see the rise and fall of it. He looks much younger when he sleeps, probably because his face relaxes. When I touch him, I am surprised at how soft his skin is. He shifts and sighs softly at my touch, but doesn't wake. There's no way I'm going to be able to sleep now.

It's probably just as well that I'll be awake all night. Someone should be watching to make sure that hollow doesn't come back. I haven't had the time to really think about that whole situation. I wonder how she got inside his guard like that. I wonder why he was letting her hold him like that. I can tell she had some kind of spellbinding power. Maybe that's what made him so passive. Oh, crap! Maybe she left him under some kind of spell when she disappeared. Could that be why he kissed me? His eyes were dilated and he's been weak and disoriented ever since. Maybe that's all it was. Maybe. If so, he probably won't enjoy waking up with his body wrapped around mine. Damn! I wonder how long he'll stay asleep. Probably all night…but I can't take the chance. He'll be really pissed if he wakes up and we're still like this. I just won't fall asleep.

He moves in his sleep and his leg falls across my thighs. Shit. How am I supposed to get out from under him without waking him up now? I won't think about that right now. It feels too good being close to him like this. I just have…to stay…awake…

"Renji."

Oh, shit.

"Renji," he says, more tense.

Do I move or…?

"Renji!"

My eyes fly open and encounter my captain's flustered expression. Flustered and quickly becoming annoyed. He may be injured, but this is definitely not good.

"Renji," he says more softly, "would you please let go of me so I can get up?"

My arm is still around him, holding him against me. I think I have about two seconds to comply before he does something that will hurt.

"Right! Sorry, Captain," I say, releasing him.

He's a bit slow pulling away and sitting up. He reaches up and pulls his cloak off, then, with a glance at me, he drapes it over me again. No change in expression. No comment. It's morning but it's still pretty early. I don't know what time he usually gets up, but it figures he's up before dawn. They say larks always bond with owls. I stay up half the night, then sleep like a baby for as long as possible. I've been late getting to the office more than a few times. Now, if I am late one day, the next he sends the third seat over early to make sure I get up. I haven't been late once since he started doing that.

As he moves away from me, I shift somewhat so I can open an eye and watch without being too obvious. He moves over to the supplies and searches them briefly. He takes the water container and then he sees the brown shirt he was wearing yesterday. He studies it carefully, his fingers tracing the line of barely visible thread where I mended it. There is an odd look in his dark eyes as he glances back at me. He slips on the shirt, then moves to the cave entrance. I wait until he is outside, then I follow. I don't want him to disappear again.

I stay out of sight as he walks slightly farther north and I hear rushing water. I work my way up onto the rocky hill next to the river so I can watch without disturbing him. He seems oblivious. He kneels at the water's edge and refills the water container, then sets it on the shore and pulls off his shirt. All of a sudden, I feel pretty uncomfortable watching without him knowing, but then, the captains are used to being followed. It's for their protection. Besides, it isn't like I've never seen him naked. We have been to the hot springs in the Sereitei plenty of times. Still, it feels different this time. He finishes undressing and wades into the water until it he is in hip deep. I haven't got the slightest idea why he would want to bathe in icy water like that, but he's got to be freezing. It doesn't seem to bother him, though. It appears that it is all about cleanliness. He spends a considerable amount of time washing from head to toe. I can't contain a wicked thought or two as I watch. He is…beautiful. There isn't a better word. His body is the epitome of contrasts, black hair and eyes, pale white skin…sharply defined features with a deceptively soft surface. Beautiful.

"Renji."

No…not happening!

"Renji, if you wanted to come with me, you should have just said so."

He pauses, looking up in my direction.

"You were obviously concerned I might leave. I understand. Come here, Renji."

"Hai, Captain."

Thank kami, he gave me an out! I thought I was dead. I make my way down the hill to the water's edge. He stands where he is in the water, picking the dirt from under his fingernails.

"Take off your clothes," he says, not looking up at me, "You will find it hard to bathe with them on."

I wait until he is looking away and hurriedly undress and move into the rushing water.

"Shit! This is freezing!" I gasp, turning back.

"Just get in quickly," he says in my ear.

He can flash step through water? Damn! Didn't know that. Before I can open my mouth to question him about that, he gives me a hard shove, sending me face-first into the ice-cold current. I am naked and submerged in freezing water. I surface with a very un-guy-like squeal. Is he…smiling? I'd be really pissed if he wasn't wearing such a cute expression.

He shakes the water out of his hair and starts back up onto the shore. I am thankful that the water is so cold. I sit chest deep, giving myself a quick once over as he walks over and picks up his clothes. His movements are catlike, graceful.

"That wasn't nice," I tell him indignantly.

"Next time, don't be stealthy. I prefer the direct approach."

Okay…what is he talking about? Is this about me following him…or is he…?

"Hey, we seated officers are supposed to follow our captains," I object, "It's for your protection."

There is a sudden change in his expression. He closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again, they are calm and serious.

"Thank you, Renji, for watching out for me yesterday. I don't know how you figured out I was here or how you arrived when you did…but…thank you," he says softly.

I leave the water, no longer caring that I am completely naked. I walk up close, picking up my clothes and keeping my eyes glued to his. He stares back.

"I told you, Captain, nothing will touch you while I defend you. Just…don't run off again. If you want to go somewhere…let me go with you. I'll give you privacy when you want it, just don't leave me behind. I hate it when you do that."

He nods wordlessly and turns back toward the cave. I dress and follow. When I crawl back inside, he is waiting with a comb in his hand. Uh-oh, this could be painful. He advances on me, tapping the comb on his palm. I wince.

"Your hair is a mess, Renji. Why don't you let me fix it for you," he offers.

"That's okay," I tell him, reaching to take the comb.

He pulls it away, shaking his head. I don't like the sadistic gleam in his eye. I consider escaping, but he has already caught a long strand of hair and is working his way through it. I feel sharp pulls once or twice, but overall, he is really gentle…lucky for me. I kind of like the way it feels when he runs his fingers down the strands, checking for tangles. I am surprised at how quickly he sorts out the tangles. When he is done, he binds my hair up in my hair tie and steps back to examine his work. He nods in approval.

"Not bad," I say, tightening the hair tie, "My turn, Captain."

He looks surprised and starts to shake his head, but I have already taken the comb and I motion for him to sit. To my surprise, he kneels and waits as I pick my jaw up off the floor and move closer. Shit. I'm not so good at this when combing my own hair. We may both regret this.

To his credit, he manages not to flinch even when I pull too hard. He's probably keeping count of how many times I do this, so he can punish me later! I love the silken feel of his hair between my fingers. His is smoother, more fine than mine and it has less tangles. It isn't long before the tangles are out. I spend a bit longer than necessary doing a final check for tangles. When I'm done, I pull it back and fasten it with his hair tie. There is a fall of hair that won't stay in the tie. It drifts softly down over his left eye. It distracts me.

"Thank you, Renji," he says, startling me.

He moves over to the provisions and pulls out some dried fruit. He hands some to me and kneels, facing me…looking very serious.

"Renji," he says quietly, "We should really talk about what happened yesterday."

Kami, about which thing that happened yesterday?


	5. Powerless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya makes a difficult confession to Renji regarding his powers.

I look into Byakuya's eyes trying desperately to read what he wants to talk about. Is he going to tell me why he left? About the hollow? About why he kissed me? But all I see in those dark eyes is a curiosity building. He probably wants to know why I'm staring, why I have stopped breathing, and why I am sweating.

"Renji," he says, staring.

I can't move. I can't breathe. Shit. He's reaching out to touch my face. It has to be obvious to him now.

"Are you feeling all right?" he asks me.

Sure, I'm fine…for a guy who's about to die. 

"You look flushed. Perhaps you are feverish," he suggests.

Or just blushing. My breath is returning, because he stopped looking at me. He's grabbing the water container and pressing it into my hand. I take a sip and breathe a bit. I can do this. I just have to calm down and try to figure out what to say. But Byakuya doesn't give me the chance. As soon as he is sure I'm not going to pass out, he continues.

"Renji, if you're all right now, I'd like to talk about a few things. I know you have questions. I want to answer them."

There is something that's been bothering me since I discovered he was gone, something that has nagged at me since I started searching for him. I look closely at him, wondering if he'll explain…if he even knows why…

"I do have one thing to ask you," I tell him, forcing myself to meet his eyes.

He nods, inviting the question, committing himself to answering, even though he already knows it might be difficult.

"Captain Kuchiki, I sat with you every day after you were injured. I told you that I would always be there for you, that I would listen if you needed to talk, that I would defend you the way a vice captain should. You clearly accepted that. My question is this…Why, after what I offered you, what you accepted, did you then leave in the middle of the night like you did? Captain, why didn't you take me with you? Wait, don't answer yet. You know I would have opposed you leaving. That much is true, but you said that you trusted me. How does leaving like that show how much you trust me?"

I realize two things in quick succession. First, I feel the heat of anger raising my reiatsu. Second, I realize that, all of a sudden, my captain looks extremely uncomfortable. It may be that the question is difficult for him…and my anger isn't helping, but he is looking at me like I am hurting him, like something I am doing is…and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. The question is uncomfortable, as is my anger, but what is causing his eyes to widen, his breath to quicken and beads of sweat to break out on his forehead is neither of these. The frightening truth of the matter is…Byakuya is being affected by the weight of my reiatsu. It surprises the hell out of me because I know I haven't gotten that much stronger. But if I am not stronger, that means that he is…

I rein in my reiatsu. I'm like Ichigo in that I have trouble with this, but I can control it better than I used to. I immediately see a look of relief in my captain's eyes when I do this. He knows I've figured things out and he is waiting for me to say something. Shit. This has got to be crushing. Byakuya Kuchiki bending under the spiritual pressure of a subordinate? Just what in the hell is going on here? I open my mouth to speak, but I can't say anything. He watches me struggle for words, then gathering what's left of his pride, he forces himself to answer my question.

"You asked why I left? Why I left without you? I had to leave the Sereitei, but I'll get to my reasons for that in a moment. You wanted to know why I left you behind. I had two reasons for doing that, Renji. The first is something you just demonstrated. There is no denying it. Although it has been several weeks since I was injured, my ability to channel spirit energy properly has not returned. That means that it is extremely uncomfortable for me to come into contact with people who wield greater power. It means that I cannot use what powers I possess. I cannot use more than a single flash step. I cannot use kido with any effectiveness…and I cannot even speak to Senbonzakura. This brings me to the second reason I left without telling you. Renji, you have as much as admitted that you would have opposed my leaving. As powerless as I was and as much as you would have fought my leaving the healing center so soon, there was little chance that I could have left at all. I haven't the strength to oppose you. Overpowering me now would be child's play for you."

It hurt him a lot to admit that. It's there in his eyes…that awful pain. He just doesn't handle his own weakness very well. To admit that he's too weak to oppose me…

"You should have trusted me," I tell him.

Good one, idiot! He can't even look at me now. But he forces himself to continue. Even without his power, he is still incredibly strong.

"I was…afraid that my condition might be permanent, but I knew that as soon as anyone of any significant rank discovered this, everything would change very suddenly…and I wasn't prepared for that. So…I came here, Renji, because this place resonates with me. It is where I met Hisana. It is where I survived against difficult odds once before. It is where I first used my Ban Kai in battle. I came here because if there is any chance of regaining what I've lost, I think this is where I need to be to find it. The reiatsu here is low enough that I can tolerate it…and there is no one to…to take things out of my hands if it turns out that this is permanent. I can give this my best effort here, then if I cannot regain what I've lost, I can at least have time to process that before I have to face the consequences."

I feel a lot of pressure right now. I know that if I say the wrong thing, I'll shatter whatever is holding him together. I am horrible at this. I have to wonder again why he is confiding in me. Well, I did follow him here. I did rescue him from the hollow. I put him in a position where he didn't have much of a choice but to tell me. Still, he didn't get angry or defensive. His barriers are non-existent right now. He is leaving himself completely open…even though he knows that I could crush what's left of him. Okay, I won't question his trust anymore. But what do I say? What do I say to someone who went from being the strongest of soul reapers to being weak as a kitten in a single day? He still isn't looking at me. I reach out and take hold of his chin and I bring his eyes up until they reach mine. I'm seeing something now that I know he never wanted me or anyone else to see. Byakuya is afraid. It scares him to death to even consider that this could be permanent. I have to find out how bad things really are with him. I have to know so I can help him. It occurs to me that there is a way to do that without anyone of significant rank finding out.

"Do you want to know right now if this is permanent?" I ask him, still forcing him to look at me.

Another flash of fear, then I see the strength return to his eyes and he pulls away. I release him and wait for an answer.

"How? I told you that I…"

"Zabimaru…" I tell him, and I see that he knows I'm right, "I can bring Zabimaru here. He will know if there is any chance…"

I can't finish the sentence and Byakuya looks like a cornered deer. This is not easy for either one of us. He gets really quiet for a few minutes, considering. He's drawn his knees up and is resting his chin on arms that curl around his knees. It's a blatantly defensive position. He's withdrawing from everything to consider his options. I judge that he needs space so I turn to leave. His voice stops me.

"Renji."

There's something about the way he says my name…something in the tone that tells me exactly what to do. I turn back and move closer to him, then reach out and take hold of his wrist, pulling gently. This is all he needs to tell him it's okay to relinquish control now. He lets me pull him into an embrace and settles his head on my shoulder. He isn't shaking or overly emotional in any way. In fact, I don't feel any tension in his body at all. I know, however, where I need to look to find the emotion. I turn so that I can see his eyes. Everything is written there, plain as day, so even an idiot like me can see it. But once it's clear to him that I've seen it there, something seems to give way inside him. He is trembling now and his arms are tightening around me like he's holding on for dear life. I hate to push him, but if I don't, we'll be stuck here. He needs to know.

"Do you want to know the truth of your situation?" I ask.

He recoils from the words, but somehow manages not to let go of me. There is a long pause and then he releases everything in a long sigh. He can't say the words, but he nods silently. Delaying things would be cruel at this point.

I pull away from him to pick up Zabimaru and I call for him to manifest. He appears immediately. He seems to already grasp the seriousness of things. He stares at Byakuya and Byakuya gazes back. The calm has returned now that he has made the decision to move forward. He waits as Zabimaru approaches him. The baboon king stares at him for a moment longer, then does something that takes me completely by surprise. The snake tail comes about and strikes Byakuya. He draws back, blinking and gasping, and a second later he is on the floor unconscious.

"What the hell did you do that for?" I yell at Zabimaru, "Why did you do that?"

"It was necessary," Zabimaru says, leaning over Byakuya, "If the news is not good, you should be the one to tell him."

He studies Byakuya for a few minutes, then releases a field of red spirit energy that wraps around Byakuya and pulsates softly.

"You know that the power of the soul reaper is a combination of body, mind, and heart. His body has been heavily damaged. The centers that channel his spirit energy have been burned by Shinzou's power. They have shut down to give them time to heal. But they need to be reopened. He will need training to do that."

"But his power will return?"

"I did not say that. There is more. His heart is conflicted with guilt…and that guilt is interfering with his powers. He needs to resolve this if he wants to regain what he has lost. Whether or not he can do this will be determined by his inner strength and his will to succeed."

"What about his mind?"

"His mind is the one area that has not been damaged."

"That's good, right?"

Zabimaru frowns.

"Yes, but it can change quickly. Renji, you may know that when a human loses use of one of his senses, the rest compensate. In much the same way, when a soul reaper's body, mind, and heart fall out of balance, the stronger parts bolster the weaker to regain balance. Byakuya's mind was not injured, but is being taxed to compensate for the strain on his body and heart. He is precariously balanced. If we make a mistake, all will collapse and he will not recover his powers at all."

"Shit."

"Yes…And, Renji, I would strongly advise against telling him the truth of the situation."

"What?" I say, surprised, "Hey, he is trusting me to help him! How is it helping him if I lie to him?"

"Remember what I told you. His mind is bolstering the areas that have been damaged. If you tell him what I told you, his mind will be affected. It could bring everything crashing down. Think carefully, Renji. How would telling him all of this benefit him? Whether or not he regains his power is a delicate balance of factors. Nothing is certain. How will it affect his mind to know that?"

Damn, he's right. And I'm pretty sure I know what Byakuya would be doing right now if the situation were reversed. 

"Okay…okay, I won't tell him everything. But how do we bring back his power? I don't know what to do."

"Try starting with simple things. Sit with him and raise your reiatsu until he is affected…hold it there, then release. Gradually raise it over time to reopen his spirit centers. His body will strengthen. For the well-being of his mind, tell him that all is not lost. Encourage him."

"What about his heart?" I ask, looking down at him, "All of that guilt? What do I do about that?"

Zabimaru looks me straight in the eyes.

"Well, Renji," he says, his eyes boring into me, "they do say that love conquers all. Perhaps you should seek to find out if that is true."

Damn. Can't really lie to your zanpakuto.

"Is that all?"

He looks at me again.

"You have to help him regain his fighting spirit."

"And I do that by…"

"How would he do it if the situation was reversed, Renji?"

I chuckle at that.

"He'd take me out to the practice ground and beat the living hell out of me until I came to my senses," I say, one hundred percent convinced of it.

Zabimaru nods.

"Give him his weapon and don't give him a choice."

Tough love. I'm definitely no stranger to that. The thing is, we're talking about me beating the hell out of Byakuya Kuchiki. It doesn't matter one bit that he's defenseless right now…or that what I'm doing is for his own good. If this works, Byakuya Kuchiki will be at full power again. I'm sure he'll be pretty damn happy about it. He'll be grateful, too. But he won't forget what I do to him. He will find a way to make me pay. Damn! Catch 22. But there's nothing for it. I'm not going to leave him like this.

"Any other questions, Renji?" Zabimaru asks.

"Yeah," I say softly, "How do I tell him?"

"About his condition or about your feelings for him?"

Smartass! I glare at him. He shrugs.

"I think the answer is the same for both. Think, Renji, what did he tell you at the river?"

Ah, that's right!

"He said…that he prefers the direct approach…but he was talking about…"

"Are you suggesting that Byakuya Kuchiki is not capable of multiple meanings? You were following him for multiple reasons. What were they? When he called you out, perhaps he was responding to more than one of those reasons. Renji, he has been giving you signals ever since you arrived. You have been sending signals in return. The two of you need to communicate."

"Zabimaru, this isn't the time for me to be pushing my own agenda. He has enough to deal with, without being pursued by me. And besides…what if he…Wait! Did you say he was sending me signals? What signals?" I demand.

"Really Renji, you need to pay better attention."

I'm thinking about it, but nothing comes to me right away. I mean, there is the fact he kissed me, but he was not in his right mind at the time. Then there was the way he put the cloak over me, but that was simple mercy, right? He did look at me in an unusual way when he realized I mended his shirt, but I just did what needed to be done. It was nothing. He has said some things that could refer to feelings he might have for me, but he might have been talking about something else entirely.

"Everything that he's done or said can be explained away," I tell Zabimaru.

"Yes…it lowers the risk of an even more broken heart if he is rejected."

I should have seen that coming. Damn! My zanpakuto is smarter than I am. Now who's the ass?

"Thanks," I mutter.

Zabimaru laughs and disappears. Cold bastard.

I'm left looking at Byakuya. He's still out cold, but it won't last forever. I have to do something now, but nothing is coming to me. He looks a little uncomfortable with his hair pulled back, lying down like that, so I release the hair tie. Much better, I think. I don't really like my hair down, but Byakuya did say that he prefers the direct approach…so I pull out my hair tie and let it fall around my shoulders. I lean over him like before and I put a hand on his face. I don't know what gives me the courage to do it, but I use his first name.

"Byakuya?"

It gets a reaction. There is a deepening of breath. He starts to move. Once his eyes open, there's no doubt about it. He is going to know. My heart is pounding so hard I think my arms will collapse. His dark eyes open, all hazy at first, but then they fasten on mine. I'm so close to him, he can't possibly misread my intentions. There is a very long moment of silence.

"Say it again," he whispers.

"Huh?" 

"You said my name. Say it again…"

It catches in my throat. I've never called him that to his face. But he's waiting with expectant eyes. He is the captain…and he just told me to do something.

"B-Byakuya?"

My arms give way and I fall so I'm halfway on top of him, but it's okay, because he reached up and caught hold of my face as I fell, bringing it to his. His mouth finds mine and now we both know it's not because anyone is disoriented. There is no misunderstanding this. His lips are full and warm and still slightly sweet from the dried fruit we were eating. They're devouring mine with the passionate bent of someone starving and his eyes have gone feral. I've never seen them look like this before. It sends my body into overdrive and it's all the warning I get before I am suddenly rolled onto my back and he is straddling my body. If there was any doubt left about what is happening here, it ends in a jolt at the sudden contact. He pulls back for a moment, still straddling me, his palms on the ground on either side of my head, staring down at me. Is he trying to punish me?

"Tell me," he says, "are you doing this because my condition is permanent?"

That really ruins the moment, but sometimes that's the way he is. I'm used to it, but it's damned frustrating. I give him a shove and he falls back. He sits calmly and waits while I sit up. Talk about tension!

"Were you trying to distract me so I wouldn't ask?" he says, frowning.

I'm pissed, but I manage to keep control of my reiatsu…even though, right now, I want to hurt him for teasing me like this.

"I don't play games like that with people. You should know that…Byakuya."

"Then why…?"

"You just need time and some training to get your powers back," I tell him, closing in on him again, "and this is the first step in your training."

Now he looks confused. I love it when I manage to get the upper hand.

"Renji,"

I trap him up against the wall with my hands on either side of his head.

"You have to learn to handle increasingly higher amounts of reiatsu," I tell him, "and it's a known fact that reiatsu rises during lovemaking."

"So you consider this to be training."

Sounds cold when he says it like that. But there is a smile in his voice. He's toying with me. I play along.

"Well, yes, it is. There are other ways of approaching this. I just thought that this was the most direct path. You did say you prefer a direct approach, didn't you?"

He nods, still looking extremely amused.

"But Renji," he says in a very soft tone he's never used with me before, "it could be extremely frustrating."

"How so?"

He is blushing furiously and I almost stop caring about his answer.

"Your reiatsu is almost crushing me now. If we were to continue along this 'direct path' of yours, it might be the last thing I do. It's a lovely way to die, I'm sure, but…I hope you weren't planning for this to be a one night stand."

Shit! He's freaking right!

"Maybe we should work on shielding first," he suggests, in that same seductive tone, "because as soon as I can hold a kido shield, we will be free to continue whatever manner of training you desire."

Ouch! The only reason I'm not going to kill him right now is because I can see this is hurting him as much as it is hurting me.


	6. Regaining a Lightness ofBeing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya considers his past and makes a difficult decision about his future.

Fifty years ago, my life as I knew it ended. It is as though my life existed so that I could find her, with every turn and twist of my youth leading me in her direction. Before I met Hisana, I did not know what I was looking for. Born into a noble family and blessed with more strength than any in our history, my future lay, already written on the path ahead of me. All of that time, I never understood that there was any choice about it. My parents expected it, and I loved having the power to make them happy. I was lost when they died.

My grandfather was there to break the fall for me, to help me shift my focus. He knew what I had lost, because my father was his son and he had always adored my mother's spirit and wit. But he couldn't always be there and I spent a lot of time wondering why. Why did they have to die?

My grandfather wasn't one to let anyone surrender to grief, so he found distractions for me. When he wasn't with me, himself, Senpai Yoruichi was usually there training me…if you could call it that. I had to wonder at him. She was noble, but far too free spirited. Her life didn't exist already laid out before her. She didn't take the expected path…ever. I hated her for that. I didn't hear the message being sent…not until later.

Yoruichi disappeared. It shouldn't have mattered, because she was everything I wasn't allowed to be and I could never forgive her for having freedom I was denied…or was I just denying myself that freedom? I was no longer certain.

Then I took the path that led to Inuzuri. A young vice captain alongside his captain, I had no idea that someone else I loved was about to fall. I walked those last steps feeling pride at my captain's confidence in me, at the closeness we had begun to share. I watched him enter the battle with fire and determination and even as I fought alongside him, I felt how strong he was, how resolved. I had my mind solidly in the battle, and when my enemy fell, I sought to return to his side. But poisoned barbs flew faster than the pink blades could that day. And because I knew the measure of my ability, I knew what was happening even before they reached him. Loss. When the battle was done, he was lost…everyone I had left the Sereitei with was gone. I was secretly glad when the poison took over. I didn't want to feel the pain of loss again. The weight of it was becoming far too great for me to bear.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to feel the warmth and light that was pulling me away from death. I hated that my training at resisting poisons brought me away from the fate of my comrades and my captain, but as my father told me while he lay dying, we have work to do here, and then we are set free. My work wasn't finished.

I had survived, but I was weak. I would have fallen into despair, but an angel brought me back from the verge of dying. Day by day, she breathed life back into me. I hadn't the strength of will left to fight her. She helped me find that the heart inside me that was so broken could be mended, that my life wasn't a straight line laid out before me by the Kuchiki family legacy. I had options. The council of elders never wanted me to know that, because it made me dangerous. I was dangerous because when I returned home, I wasn't the boy who had gone off to battle, the noble vice captain whose only meaning in life was to be put on a pedestal. I was a real person. They hated that. They hated it and they let me know it. They delayed my ascent to leadership, dragging their heels for years. When they found out Hisana was dying, they were pleased.

As I watched her weaken before my eyes, I had to wonder. What was the point of continuing to move forward. But even as she lay dying, Hisana would not let me succumb to my grief. She damned me to hopefulness, robbing me of my right to fall into despair by forcing a promise from me before she died. She told me that even in the darkest times of her life in Inuzuri, she knew there was goodness and light, and that the hard times were worth it, because I came into her life and lit it with happiness, even though it only lasted for five years. She made me promise that someday, when someone's arms reached for me to pull me back into the light, that I would grab on with both hands. I made that promise, never once intending to keep it. I only wanted her to pass from this life in peace.

But today those arms reached for me.

I had only walked the short distance from the cave to the river to think about what was happening inside a heart that I judged too broken to love again. While Renji lay sleeping, I watched the sun set, and I wondered how I could be feeling this way again. I remembered my promise to Hisana and I wondered if this could be the light returning. I sat in the early darkness, watching the water rush by and feeling light again.

I didn't even sense the hollow until she was too close, and then, bereft of the power that would have warned me, I didn't recognize the darkness of the reiatsu until it was too late and she was already pushing me back into the blackness. The water was dark and cold, like the place I had been living inside myself for the past fifty years and if there was ever a time when I was invited to embrace death, that was the moment. It was tempting to let myself be carried away on the dark current to be broken against the rocks and debris in my path, to just let go. I don't know what made me reach out when I did, but my hands reached out and caught on to a limb and I found myself holding on with the current raking my body, the cold raging all around me, trying to pull me free. And the hollow searched for me, intending to set me free, to let me fall into the darkness. I could have just let go. I wanted to. I had watched too many I loved fall into darkness, and perched precariously on the edge of wanting to open my heart to someone new, I was scared to death. What was I doing? I didn't want this. Because I couldn't give myself over to him only to lose him, as I had lost the others. I didn't want to reach for a light that would fade. And still something rose up inside as I struggled against the black current, something powerful sent out a call that he answered. And the moment Hisana promised me arrived.

I felt warm hands reach down into the freezing blackness, searching for mine. I hesitated for a moment, because I had never intended to reach for the light again. But the light was so compelling, so warm, so desperate, so alive! It pleaded with me to reach for it and abandoning my hopelessness I did. I reached out with both hands grasping, and I felt the hard pull seeking to bring me out of the icy darkness. Suddenly I was alive again, kicking and tearing my way free of it and back into the light, holding on for dear life.

Breathless and unable to move, I lay on the shore, shaking with new life, hearing his voice, feeling his touch on my body and I was scared to death at the choice I made. Because if I have to watch him fall, there will be nothing left of my heart. Today, I gave it all to him. I can't think about the consequences. Right now, I can't even move. The dark river took my strength away and I've had to give myself over to him. I hate depending on him, but I love feeling of his strength as he carries me. Is he strong enough? Am I? Are we?

We've reached the cave and he is pulling the wet clothes away, drying the last of the black water that clings to my skin. I'm trembling with cold and the cloak he puts over me is not enough to bring the warmth back. I have become too cold inside. I need someone else's warmth to bring the life back into me…and without a second thought, he offers that warmth. If I was breathless before, I am more so now at how easily he approaches. It's as though he is not affected by the ice all around me. He blazes through it, warming everything in his path, even me…even when I thought it was impossible, even though I fought it. I abandon all thoughts of hopelessness now. I cling to the warmth and the light wrapped so tightly around my body. He is shaking too, but it isn't from the cold. I know what he fears. He fears what I have faced and overcome too many times now. I find his eyes in the darkness and I try to reassure him that I am still with him. We are both afraid, but we've already made our choice. Light over darkness, love over emptiness, life over death, hope over despair. We do not choose an easy path, but at very least, we walk side-by-side. As I surrender to sleep, deep within his arms, I feel something I rarely feel. I feel…safe.

"Byakuya?"

I love waking to the sound of his voice. He's letting go of the formality while we are still here. That is good. He was far too nervous and intimidated around me before, but that was my fault. I was like that because I didn't want anyone to be close to me after Hisana died. So I was cold and hard-hearted to everyone…especially Rukia, because every time I looked at her, I saw Hisana. I couldn't bear the pain. The mask of coldness and indifference was easy to hide behind…for fifty years. But it is gone now.

"Byakuya?"

I turn my head slightly and I can barely see the outline of his face in the darkness. I trace it with searching fingertips and his hand takes mine and he brings it to his lips. I didn't know that such a strong person could have such a gentle touch. 

"Byakuya, I can't wait anymore."

I feel the same. And right now I would gladly give my life just to be with him like that. I just don't know how. I still cannot even manage a respectable kido shield against his strong reiatsu.

"I almost lost you…again."

But when that happened before, I was just his captain. I loved the captain I lost, but not in the way Renji loves me…and even so, the loss was mind-numbing. What Renji is feeling now, that fear…I understand it completely.

"I've thought of a way."

I wondered how long it would take him to think of it. Of course, I cannot allow it, because sealing away one's spirit energy is like functioning without your eyes or ears. It is an assault on the mind. It is akin to a prison, like the one Rukia endured. I was captured once by enemies and imprisoned in that way. When they sealed my spirit energy away, it was like trying to stay alive without breathing. I could never do this to someone I love.

And yet, his words are filled with passion and I want with all of my heart to give in to them, to give myself over to this. Kami, please don't think I'm being cold! I swear that isn't it! 

I feel, but cannot see his pleading eyes in all of this darkness, and I cannot make myself say the words. My hands take hold of his and guide them to my face, where he can feel the truth of the conflict that binds me. He draws back in surprise. I've only ever really cried once. The night before she died, I gave my tears to Hisana and I swore it would be the only time. But he needs to know that this is not coldness or indifference. This is love. Love will not allow me to do something I know will hurt him.

"Listen to me," he says desperately, "I know what I want. I know what I am doing. Sometimes it is worth the pain to be with someone you love."

I am helpless against the sob that breaks free of me, because I have heard those words before. I know them like I know the feel of the heart that used to guide me, the one broken so often that I thought it gone forever. I wanted it to be gone. If you have no heart, it cannot be broken.

I break free of him, because I don't know if loving someone is worth it. Is it worth the pain? The risk of loss? I am almost free of the cave, when his arms wrap around me and bring me to my knees. He holds me with all of his strength and I know he isn't going to let go. His face is close to mine, his breathing harsh in my ears.

"Don't run," he says, "You can say whatever you need to say to me, even if it hurts, but don't run away from me."

I freeze, then I relax into his arms and rest my head on his shoulder and force the words out.

"Renji, you said that it is worth the pain to be with someone you love. And maybe that is true. But I have been here before and I do not know if it is worth it. I know what it is to deeply love someone, to lose that person, to live without them. These things are far too real for me. I do not know what to do. How many times can a heart shatter before it is too damaged to be healed?"

He's not saying anything aloud now, but the arms that hold me tighter than death tell me that he understands. The eyes that search the darkness for mine tell me that he did not mean to bring me to tears or to leave me conflicted. He only wanted to express the love he feels for me, and he is willing to endure something beyond pain to have that. He didn't realize what pain it would cause me. Why would he?

"I'm sorry," he whispers in my ear, "I only wanted you to know that you mean everything to me. I wanted to express it, and I thought you wanted that too. I didn't realize what it would do to you. But you are not ready for this. It's okay. You don't have to explain. I understand."

I cling to him, shaking like a leaf and unable to let go. 

"I don't want this," I whisper brokenly, "I don't want to feel my heart come to life again. I want to stay heartless and numb, because for me, love always ends in loss. My parents died, Yoruichi abandoned me. My captain and my comrades all died before my eyes, Hisana died. Even Ginrei died. Each time I was left standing, but this love? What I feel for you? It makes me too weak to stand! I've fallen too far. I would rather die than fall in love! Let go of me. Please, let go."

"No. I won't do that. I don't care what you say. I know you love me. You can't say you don't. Besides, if someone is fated to die, you can't stop it by refusing to love that person. You can't stop it at all," he says in a low voice.

"I could have stopped Hisana's death by not loving her."

"Byakuya…you can't live your life looking backwards. You and Hisana made your choices and you had to live with the consequences. It wasn't a mistake for you to do that. She wasn't sorry and you shouldn't be either. Your love was a gift she cherished. And it's something that I would cherish, too. If I'm fated to die sooner because of it, so be it. I won't give up a single minute of this out of fear. Not fears for myself…and not fears for you. Stop letting fear get in your way, Byakuya. Do you think I'm not afraid of losing you? I've already come too close to it to not be afraid. But fear is not going to take this away from me…or you. I choose this and I don't give a damn what it costs. You just need to decide if it's worth it to you. Either way, you can't stop me from feeling this way. I am going to love you, no matter what. That was never yours to decide."

"Renji…"

His face is close to mine and I take it in both hands, my mouth moving to find his. His mouth opens and my tongue plunges into it, curling around his, searching for every bit of hidden sweetness. I want to taste every inch of that deep, sensual place, that smile, that tongue, those lips. He is tasting mine as well, his body pressed against mine, making sure I won't run from him again. I am beyond running now. It is too late. I want more of this. I want everything now, but I won't let him shoulder the pain by sealing off his spirit energy to protect me. I will bear the torrent of power, myself, even if it crushes me.

With trembling hands, I push back the top of his shihakushou, revealing the tattooed expanse of his chest. My tongue releases his to seek other flavors, the soft throat, an earlobe, then to trace the dark lines of his chest. My hands follow, wanting only to touch every part of him, to feel him move in response, to hear him call out my name.

"Stop," he hisses, "I don't want my reiatsu to hurt you. It's still too strong."

"Kami, I'd rather die than stop!" 

He recoils, trying to pull away, but I follow as he moves and I force him down beneath me, my body trapping his now. He tries to catch my hands as I tear at his clothes, my only thought to bring us as close together as we can possibly be. I am beyond stopping now. Our clothing is gone, our bodies move together and he knows now that he cannot stop what is happening any more than I can.

His reiatsu surrounds me now, pushing in on all sides and I welcome the pain with a hard sigh of relief. We pause to catch our breath and he asks me a question that sends a shiver through me.

"Byakuya…have you ever been with a man before?"

"No," I breathe, "I was only ever with Hisana."

I never wanted there to be anyone else. I am in new territory. I never imagined wanting anyone again like this, but I've surrendered to it.

"We'll go slowly," he says, "And you tell me if you feel any pain. I don't want to hurt you."

I nod in agreement, but I won't admit to him that I am already gripped by the sweetest pain I've ever felt. And I will not relinquish it now, not even for him.

His fingers slip into my mouth and I taste each one slowly, allowing him to coat them with my saliva. Then he turns and rolls me onto my back. His mouth assaults my throat and chest, distracting me while his hands are moving. I feel one of his fingers enter me and I catch my breath. It doesn't hurt, but it feels different than anything I've ever felt before…different and amazing. He's moving it slowly in and out and the feeling of it makes my hips move to deepen the contact. There is pain when he adds a second finger, but I am already beyond caring. I take a deep shuddering breath and continue to move with him.

"Relax, let me do the work," he whispers.

It's just as well, because I can no longer breathe properly. His reiatsu is flaring again and my body is reeling from it. Pleasure and pain are joining in a blinding mixture of heightened sensations that strike me one after the next. I lose track of what is happening for a moment, then in the next, I realize that the kido shield that I haven't been able to raise until now, has suddenly snapped into place. At this point, it was probably self-preservation, something inside me that realized I was reaching the limits of what I could endure. Whatever the reason, the kido shield protects me from his reiatsu now and the pain I was feeling finally drops away. The impact of pleasure is intense and the sound that rises out of me brings his questioning eyes to mine. He senses the kido shield and realizes what has happened…and he smiles.

He takes me with what feels to me like agonizing slowness, but it may be that my mind has slowed things so I won't miss one moment that passes, so I will feel every minute detail of what is happening. What pain there is worth it to me. I am being filled and brought back to life. I've moved beyond caring about the consequences. I don't think I'd feel it if another zanpakuto passed through my heart right now. From the look on Renji's face, I think he feels the same.

My body moves on its own, beyond my control, without conscious thought. I may never have been with a man, but some things happen on their own. My body strains for deeper contact. He knows without words and moves with me…and a sensation strikes me that leaves me breathless and out of control. He's watching me closely now and striking that same place deep inside me again and again. Everything explodes in a blinding rush of pleasure so intense my senses are overwhelmed and I disappear into darkness, no longer able to move, to breathe, to think. All I feel after that is incredible warmth, all see is light, and all I hear is his voice, saying my name over and over again. But I cannot answer…not yet. It will be some time before I can move again. Even if I were to die right now in his arms, it would be worth it.


	7. Hide and Go Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji cares for Byakuya when he becomes ill from threshold sickness. The lady hollow who threatened Byakuya before, returns.

Byakuya Kuchiki may be an early riser, but it is nearly noon and he hasn't moved a muscle. I don't have to ask why. I don't even remember how many times we made love last night…or who ended up in what position how many times, but when you haven't had sex for fifty years and then you have a night like we had, it could be the death of you. He looks a bit more pale than usual, but that could be from holding the kido shield constantly all night. It's a strain when everything is normal to do something like that. He managed it, though.

I can't resist letting my hand slide down his back and over his firm backside. It's a little bruised from where I grabbed him so tightly. This earns me a deep groan. It's nothing like the sounds he made last night and I get the feeling he's not feeling his best right now. This is confirmed when his eyes open wide and his face goes a shade paler. In a flash, he disentangles himself from me and staggers out of the cave, heedless of the fact that he is not wearing a stitch of clothing…not a good sign. I move to follow and hear him retching violently. 

If the lovemaking was hard on his body, holding the kido shield was much more so. It wasn't sex that did this to him. It was the sudden return of the kido shield, a jump in power that earned him a bad case of threshold sickness. He's damned lucky that I know how to deal with that because a serious case can easily become deadly. First things first, though. I have to hold him to make sure he doesn't pass out. After that, I have to half drag him back inside. I give him a mouthful of water and he spits it back at me, his eyes blazing. Yeah, I know. I'm a sadist. Live with it.

Once he's lying down again, I drape his cloak over him and find the tea ingredients. There is a small alcove in the cave that is vented and has been used for cooking. I start a fire and make the tea. It's the tea he made me learn how to make for him…with something for his threshold sickness. If he hates me now, he's going to hate me even more in a few minutes.

I take the cup of hot green tea and move back to where he is sleeping. I lean over him and kiss him lightly to wake him. He opens his eyes and he's already a little pissed at the intrusion.

"Renji, I swear if you touch me again, I'll kill you!" he snaps.

Not quite the platitudes he was whispering in my ear last night, but that's hardly a surprise. He sees the cup of tea and sits up, taking it from me. I back off now, because I'm not sure exactly what he'll do to me once he realizes. The fact that it's tasteless and that it takes a minute or two to affect him allows me to slip back into my shihakushou in case he decides to carry through on that death threat. I wonder if he'll take the time to dress before coming after me or if he'll be too enraged to care. I wait, watching.

Imagine three intense sensations in quick succession; a feeling of pins and needles from head to toe, followed by the sensation of being set on fire, chased with a powerful headache, strong enough to bring a howl of pain from the strongest warrior. The only good thing is that the pain doesn't last for long, because it causes a total collapse and a long period of sleep. The most dangerous time, though, is while the pain hits. Every soul reaper is different. The time between onset and collapse is not the same. The longer the time in between, the more time there is to exact revenge on the bastard who gave you the cure.

He finishes the tea and starts to lean back again…and then he starts to feel it. 

"Abarai!"

Shit. He hasn't called me that the whole time we've been here. He usually only does it when I've done something extremely stupid or anger inducing. This time it's the latter. He's coming to his feet and he doesn't give a damn that he's naked. It would be kind of cute if I wasn't getting ready to run for my life. I grab Zabimaru and head for the cave entrance. I wonder briefly how many flash steps he can do before he falls. I hear Senbonzakura slide free of her sheath and I know I'm dead.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

No use running now. I turn back, sending Zabimaru up in my defense. I stop his release, but just barely. Well, at least we know he can release his zanpakuto now. That is a relief. Wait! What am I saying?

He's raising Senbonzakura. Damn! I still can't defend against that Ban Kai. He releases the sword…and it drops to the rocky ground with a clang. No Ban Kai. I don't know what to feel, relief or sympathy, because he was already in agony before. Now his Ban Kai failed. I flash step to his side, thinking to offer what comfort I can. It is nearly a fatal mistake. He forgets about the Ban Kai and body tackles me. I have to admit that I like a little bit of rough play during sex, but that isn't what's on his mind right now. His hands are wrapped around my throat and tightening. I'm seeing stars from the fall to the ground and everything's getting hazy. I am about ready to inflict some pain, just so I can escape, when he rears back and howls in the best imitation of a werewolf I've ever seen. I don't know whether to be scared or relieved when his eyes roll back and he collapses in a beautiful naked heap on top of me. Now, how am I going to get him back inside?

Somehow I manage to work my way out from underneath the dead weight of his nerveless body. I carry him back to the cave and set him down, raising a small field of healing green energy around him. I have to keep the intensity low, because right now if he was awake, the feel of any spirit energy touching him would be like lava in his veins. Luckily for him, he's so out of it that a freight train could rumble through this cave and he still wouldn't move.

I take the time while he is out cold to really think over what's happening here. Because I know I told myself I wasn't going to push him while he was dealing with everything else, but then last night we ended up having mind-blowing sex. On the plus side, he seems to have worked through some of his emotional issues. He also used the kido shield and his Shikai. That is one giant step forward. On the negative side, he's probably going to still question what we're doing. That's natural. I never expected loving a moody, volatile man like Byakuya to be easy. He's going to have even more reason to be moody when we return home, because if the council of Kuchiki elders hated him marrying Hisana, I think knowing Byakuya is in love with me, male and a street rat, will send them over the edge. That is…unless he doesn't intend to tell them. I guess I couldn't fault him for that. I love him. I don't want him to…well, I don't what they'd do to him. If they held back on naming him clan leader until Hisana's death, then what would they do to him now?

All of a sudden, I wonder if I've done something stupid. I mean, if he wasn't a clan leader, it would be no problem…but he is. I have to wonder at both of us for not thinking of the consequences before.

But it is too late for me to back out now. What I feel just looking at him while he sleeps, tells me it's too late. Because I can't imagine life without him. Not now. Not anymore.

I lie down next to him, tracing my fingers over the lines of his face, brushing very light kisses on his face and throat. I can't believe that at this point, I'm getting aroused again. I let my hands roam over his chest and stomach, then down to his thighs. I'll be damned if he isn't aroused too. But he's out cold…and suffering from threshold sickness. Even if I could wake him, kido is out of the question until this passes. This could be a long day. I look at that peaceful, beautiful face one more time, then gather my things and head for the river. The plunge into cold water will be a good thing.

I can't believe I'm about to do this to myself. I hate icy cold water. It hurts to get into it. It sends a shiver up and down my spine and I feel like squealing at the shock to my body. But there's no other choice out here. Even in Inuzuri, no one has hot water. That's one of the things I liked most when I became a soul reaper. Heat. I spent so much time feeling cold.

I force myself into the coldness and move into the deeper water, letting it rush around me. I don't know how he makes himself do this, how he always looks so comfortable and serene even drenched in this freezing liquid.

I take my time, washing thoroughly, scrubbing away the dirt and dust that clings to everything around here, then I sit in the icy water with my back against the rocks and close my eyes. As cold as the water is, it is a warm day…so being in the water is really pretty refreshing now that I've adjusted. I find myself dozing, then jump awake as I am suddenly forced back against the rocks, pinned by a strong male body, my mouth being assaulted relentlessly.

There is no way he should be awake already. Even if he is, he shouldn't be doing this…and after last night, he shouldn't be able to yet. But his tongue is forcing its way into my mouth, stroking mine, teasing it until I can't resist joining in the fun. I wrap my arms and legs around him and bring him as close as I can, rubbing my cock against his. This cold water is going to be challenging! He doesn't seem intimidated though. He pulls free of me and slides slowly down the length of my torso, trailing hot kisses and heavy strokes that leave me breathless, with or without an erection. His hand is on my cock now, moving up and down, his fingertips teasing the head until he gets the reaction he was waiting for. He plunges his face into the water and practically inhales the length of it. I wonder briefly how long he can possibly hold his breath. His hands grip my hips tightly both for positioning and so he can keep himself submerged. When I look down I see only swirls of raven black hair. He releases my cock for a moment and fastens his mouth on my sac, warming me until I almost forget about how cold the water is. The warmth makes me moan with delight, then I gasp at the shock of cold as he releases me and surfaces. He dives down again and takes my cock in his mouth again, moving up and down with sweeping strokes on the shaft, then wrapping around the head and finally sinking the hardened tip of his tongue into the slit. I almost cry when he has to surface again. He plunges in one more time and I can't help but thrust upward a little at the contact. He holds onto my hips so I won't choke him and treats me to a combination of heavy suction and long smooth strokes that send me over the edge. I am surprised when he doesn't pull away. I know he hasn't done this before. As I release into his mouth, he doesn't quite manage to swallow properly and he chokes and surfaces, coughing and gasping…but he's also smiling. As he recovers, I pull him into my arms and kiss him, open mouthed. I love the mix of tastes, his and mine. After a few minutes, I draw back and study him closely. He's still a shade too pale and he's shaking a little, but I think he'll live.

"What are you doing out here?" I ask him sternly, "You should still be out cold."

"Training," he says, the words soft, his smile warm.

"Training, huh?" I say, grinning, "Can I train too?"

"Of course, Renji," he says softly, "but if you want to train with me, you must teach me something I don't know."

I think for a minute, then let a huge smile onto my face.

"Lesson One," I say, moving so that I'm in between his open thighs, "Proper swallowing technique."

This may be the first time I've heard him laugh out loud.

XXXXXXXXXX

I sit, leaned against the cave wall, watching as Renji pours tea for us and settles down in front of me. It has been a breathtaking afternoon, making love down at the river, then training in swordplay, Shikai, and more lovemaking. We are both in and out of our element here. Here in Inuzuri, we have peace, privacy, and freedom. There is no one to pass judgment or to indulge in rumor. That will not be so when we return to the Sereitei.

There are male couples among soul reapers. This is not openly encouraged, nor is it really discouraged, but there are those arenas in which such relationships are frowned upon. As clan leader, I am expected to bring forth heirs. To take a male lover is a clear violation of clan rules. For a leader to do so is a serious breach of code. The punishment for that is the stripping of the title and surrender of the kenseiken. There is some possibility that won't happen. They might simply force a vow from me to marry and father an heir, after which I would be free to do as I wish. But I cannot envision taking a wife without loving her. It would be wrong for us both.

I could avoid the situation by keeping this relationship secret. It might even be advisable because Renji is my subordinate. But I don't want to hide what I feel for him. He has given everything to my recovery and to loving me. I would not dishonor him by making him think there is something wrong with us being in love.

"Uh-oh," he says, gazing intently at me.

I look back questioningly.

"You're getting moody again. You got something on your mind, Byakuya?" he asks.

He reads me very well now. Too well.

I move towards him and place a palm on his cheek, drawing him in for a warm, lingering kiss. It does nothing to put him off.

"You're trying to distract me. I know you've got something on you're mind. Why don't you tell me about it. Maybe I can help."

Maybe he can. He has a different vantage point. Maybe he can think of something I haven't considered.

"I was thinking that it probably won't be long before we can return to the Sereitei. I was just thinking about what that might mean for us."

I pause, looking into his brown eyes.

"Renji, what do you see happening between us? Where do you want this to go?" I ask.

He gazes back into my eyes.

"I love you. I want to be with you…but I…don't want to do anything that will…hurt you, Byakuya."

He knows or at least suspects how things are with the clan.

I nod, touching his cheek.

"I feel the same," I say, watching the shine of happiness that touches his eyes as I say it, "We will find a way to make things work, Renji."

"The clan. They're not going to like this. You know that, Byakuya. What do you think they will do if you tell them?"

I sigh.

"They will have the right to strip my title and kenseiken. They may choose, however, to accept me entering a marriage of convenience to produce heirs. However, I won't take an action that will cause hurt to you, Renji. We have time to think this through."

He smiles sadly.

"I'm sorry, Byakuya. I wish this was easier."

"As do I," I tell him, "but no one said that love would be easy…and you and I will find a way, Renji. Please, I ask you to trust me on that."

"I trust you."

"And I trust you. Come, I want fall asleep in your arms, Renji."

He closes the distance between us and we lie down together. We are clothed this time, but there is no distance between us. We will find a way to stay this close. We will. I fall asleep with my head rested on his shoulder, my body wrapped tightly around his.

Some time later, I wake with a chill inside. What is it that woke me? I reach out and feel the dark reiatsu nearby.

"Renji?" I call softly.

There is no reply.

"Soul reaper, I have returned," hisses a voice that chills me to the core.

I grab Senbonzakura. I notice then that Zabimaru is gone. I move out of the cave. I look up into the sky and my eyes find the hollow, suspended in midair. Renji is unconscious and lying in her arms.

"I have been watching you, soul reaper," she says, "I have watched you and this one play your games. Now I want to play a game, soul reaper."

"Put him down," I tell her in a low hiss of warning.

"You do not make the rules, Byakuya Kuchiki."

"You know my name."

She smiles.

"I have been watching you closely. Do you love this man? Does he mean something to you?"

"What do you want?" I demand angrily, "Release him and I will give you what you want."

"That is not a game, soul reaper. That is winning without playing. I want to play."

"What do you want?" I ask again, "What game are we playing?"

"Let's play hide-and-go-seek, a child's game. Will you play, Byakuya Kuchiki?" she asks.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura." I say suddenly, releasing my zanpakuto.

I send the petal blades spinning around Renji, closing on her. She moves suddenly, allowing some of the blades to touch Renji. I see blood on his face.

"That was foolish, Byakuya Kuchiki," she hisses, "You have cut your own lover. I think you have done this before. You have hurt him. You are not worthy of him. So I will take him from you."

"No…"

"Don't worry, even though you attacked us, I won't kill him yet. I still want to play hide-and-go-seek. If you find us in seven days, you may fight me to retrieve him. If you do not find us, I will make him a hollow. Those are the rules, Byakuya Kuchiki. Good-bye."

"No!"

I run forward, releasing Senbonzakura, but it is too late. Tears come to my eyes as Renji's form shimmers and fades with her.


	8. Red Killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya goes to Yoruichi for help regaining control of his powers.

"Nikira," says a frighteningly familiar voice somewhere nearby, "I think you need to explain. Why is he here?"

I can't see the speaker, but I know the bastard. I would love to loose my zanpakuto on him. I'd be happy to give my life for the privilege too. Sosuke Aizen. The traitor. The guy who killed the men and women of Central 46, the one who used Rukia to get his hands on the Hougyoku. He's the reason Ichigo and I were nearly cut to pieces, and he ordered Gin to kill Rukia, sending the man I love into the path of Shinzou. I want so badly to fucking kill him!

Instead, I'm on my knees, held within a kido field. I can't move a muscle. I feel Aizen move closer and I feel Gin's presence somewhere in the room. I'm in deep shit, no doubt about that. A hand reaches down and touches my face. 

"Renji Abarai," says Aizen's quiet voice, "Welcome to Hueco Mundo."

There is a pause, but I keep my silence. Aizen leans close.

"I would suggest that you show better manners while you are here…Renji."

A heavy whip strikes my back. The unexpected attack tears a cry from me. Damn!

"Nikira, as much as I welcome visits from old friends, I fail to see why I shouldn't just kill him right now. Would you care to explain why you brought him here?" Aizen continues in that calm, falsely gentle voice.

"You will be pleased to know, Lord Aizen," she says, "that Renji Abarai is Byakuya Kuchiki's lover."

"What did you say?" asks Aizen.

I feel his eyes on me again and I get a cold creeping feeling down my back. He touches my face again.

"Renji Abarai, can this be true? I thought that Byakuya was caught up in his late wife's memory. I had no idea he would lower himself to be with someone like you. I guess it's only natural, though. He never seems to do the expected, does he? One more reason he fascinates me. I imagine, Renji Abarai, that that is your attraction to him as well. We all love a rebel, don't we?"

His hand strokes my face and buries itself in my hair. The shit I'm in is getting deeper by the moment. Kami, I wish that hollow had just killed me!

"Renji," Aizen's breath is warm on my ear, his voice a chilling whisper.

I can't help but shiver. His arm falls around my shoulders. 

"I told Byakuya that he has seven days to find us, then I will kill this one," Nikira tells him.

"Hmm," Aizen says thoughtfully, "Interesting. I would say that gives us a bit of time, wouldn't you, Renji?"

I am so screwed…literally…

"What should we do with you for the next seven days…Renji?"

Yup…screwed…

XXXXXXXXXX

It seems as though lately every time I swear a vow to do something or not to do something, I end up doing the opposite. It makes me wonder if some kind of divine joke is being played out in my life. I lived a life of obedience to the rules, but that was shattered when I fell in love with Hisana…and again when I took Rukia in. I rededicated myself to obedience after that, by swearing on my parent's grave that I would obey the law. That blew up in my face because it turned me against my own sister. And I just violated it again by falling in love with Renji. I am either cursed or just unlucky.

Now I'm heading off to do something else I swore I would never do. I am going to the demon cat Senpai, Yoruichi, to seek my lost Ban Kai…and help finding Renji. I have to be desperate and out of my mind to do this! She is maddening. She is far too free-spirited for a noble and she enjoys toying with me until I ache to just kill her. I would have killed her a few times over if I could catch her. Unfortunately, I have to admit that her shunpo is still better than mine. Her training methods are all that can possibly help me, because I cannot defeat the red hollow without Ban Kai. I know Yoruichi can help me…but I hate turning to her. She can, however, help me recover my Ban Kai…in three days. That will leave me only four days to infiltrate Hueco Mundo and to find Renji. I will get him back. There is no way I am going to accept losing him. I know in my heart that Renji is alive and I will stop at nothing to find him. He is my heart.

I pause in front of Urahara's shop and check the reiatsu in the area. I am relieved to find that Ichigo is not in the area…that is one source of annoyance averted…although…he is quite good with a sword. Still, his hollow might be too tempted to come out while we are in Hueco Mundo. No, Ichigo cannot help. Only Yoruichi.

I sense Senpai's presence in the shop and step forward. As I enter the shop, a girl with black ponytails and a small red-haired boy look up at me. They don't recognize me because I don't look like myself in these clothes. They look up at me questioningly.

"Can we help you find something?" the girl asks.

"I am looking for Yoruichi Shihoin. It is an emergency," I tell her, "I need to speak to her immediately."

"Well," says Yoruichi's sultry voice, "To what do I owe the pleasure…Byakuya?"

I try not to scowl. It will only encourage her.

"Yoruichi," I say softly, "I…"

I cringe a little as I say the words.

"I need your help."

She stares for a moment, her luminous golden eyes searching mine. Then she breaks into a stunning smile.

"I see," she says, coming closer.

"May we speak privately?" I ask.

She nods, motioning to a room off to the right. We enter the room and sit down at a low table. She studies me closely.

"Interesting clothes, Byakuya," she says, smiling, "Would you like to tell me what is going on? Where is your shihakushou? Where are your accessories? This is so odd. You've come here looking pale and thin, dressed in peasant's clothes, and you come unescorted. Where is Renji?" she asks.

I cannot quite hide the pain when she says his name. Her face becomes serious and she takes my hands in hers.

"This is serious, isn't it?" 

I nod, not able to speak. I am thankful that she is not toying with me right now. I am not sure I could take it if she did.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" she prompts me.

I nod again and take a deep breath.

"Renji has been taken…by a hollow," I manage in a soft voice, "After the battle with Ichigo and the revelation of Aizen's treachery, Renji came to see me in the healing center every day. I realized after a couple of weeks that although my body was healing, my soul reaper powers were not returning to me as expected. I was being slowly suffocated by the large amount of reiatsu in the Sereitei, so I went to Inuzuri, near where I met my wife, and I planned to stay there while I waited to learn whether or not my condition was permanent. I ran into trouble there. A very strong hollow attacked me and in my reduced state, she would have devoured my soul, but Renji…"

I stop for a moment, his name catching in my throat.

"Renji found me and scared the hollow away. He stayed with me there in Inuzuri and he helped me to learn that I just needed training to restore my powers. So we were training…and last night, the hollow returned…and took him. Yoruichi…she said that I have seven days to come to Hueco Mundo and find him. If I do not find him, she is going to kill him. Yoruichi, I cannot let that happen. I need to restore my Ban Kai, because without it, I am no match for this hollow. I will not leave Renji in her hands. He…he has been incredibly loyal to me…"

She is staring at me as if seeing me for the first time. Her face is more serious than I've ever seen it and her hands squeeze mine gently. She knows. Well, it's not like it isn't written all over my face. I'm scared to death. I cannot lose him. I am swiftly becoming desperate. She releases one of my hands and touches my face.

"Little Byakuya," she says very gently, "You've found love again, haven't you?"

I should be angry. I should kill her for calling me that, but she has found my weakness. I cannot summon anger or anything else while I am so afraid for Renji's safety. Neither can I answer her. She know, though. She knows and she pulls me into an embrace.

"We will find him, Byakuya," she whispers, "Renji will come back, I promise."

XXXXXXXXXX

When I said I was screwed before…I didn't know the meaning of the word. Luckily for me, Aizen set a few rules for my torment. The most important rule is that I'm to keep my life and all of my limbs. I'm also not supposed to be damaged too badly, but that has the potential to be misinterpreted. He also insisted on having some quality time with me before turning me over to Ichimaru Gin and Nikira.

I was taken to Aizen's quarters where he proceeded to alternate between asking me questions about Byakuya, torturing me in all sorts of creative ways that don't leave marks, and fucking me until I couldn't see straight. And things only got worse from there.

After I refused to tell Aizen what he wanted to know, he passed me on to Gin, who repeated what Aizen had done, except the torture and sexual assaults were more extreme. That bastard is sick.

By the time they sent me back to Nikira, I was thankfully pretty much incoherent. She seems content to sit and talk to me, trying to get me to talk to her about Byakuya. Listening to her, it seems like she's pretty obsessed with him. I guess he really made an impression on her when she attacked him in Inuzuri. She hasn't tortured me or anything like that. Hopefully, Aizen and Gin will forget about me. I can hope, right?

I keep thinking about Byakuya. This has got to be killing him. I hate that I'm being used to torture him and draw him in like this. It was damned hard for him to open himself up to me the way he did. Thinking back, I wonder if I did the wrong thing by pushing him like I did. Losing his vice captain would have been a blow to him…but losing me after how hard it was to open up to me…damn! Maybe I'm the lucky one in all of this. I mean, what's happening to me hurts like hell, but I'm not the one facing yet another mind-numbing heartbreak. Whatever they do to me, I can hang on to the memory of being with him in Inuzuri and it's enough to carry me. Hell, I could be tortured for the rest of my life and I wouldn't break, because thinking about him makes everything else disappear.

That's what I'm thinking when Aizen comes back and orders Nikira to leave us alone. He takes out Kyoka Suigetsu…and all of a sudden, I am scared witless. Perfect hypnosis. What the hell is he going to make me do to Byakuya? I don't want to know. I'm wishing again that Nikira had just killed me.

XXXXXXXXXX

Senbonzakura can be a bastard when he wants to be. This isn't the first time I wonder if wielding him is an honor or some kind of punishment. Why, of all of the zanpakuto, did I end up with him? They say that the zanpakuto is an extension of the soul reaper's own soul. Why is part of my soul a pink, petal-wielding, samurai? Strongest of the soul reapers? Strongest in the history of the Kuchiki clan? Somebody has got a really stupid sense of humor. It only leaves me more convinced that my life is some kind of ironic cosmic joke.

Yoruichi is being far too kind. If I was her, I wouldn't be able to sit there watching with such a deadpan face. The strain has got to be killing her…because if I was Yoruichi, I would be laughing my ass off…and gathering fodder for the next time we meet.

I don't think I've ever been so humiliated. The goal here is for me to get Senbonzakura to submit once more to my will. Unfortunately, he is walking all over me, right now. Renji is lucky. He complains about Zabimaru, but I would trade zanpakuto in a heartbeat. I don't understand understand why he can't just work with me a little bit. I never had a problem with this before. Senbonzakura is being incredibly stubborn and difficult…nothing like me at all, right?

We're close to the end of the third day and he is still dominating me. I've reached the point where the feel of blood on my skin is normal and I wonder what it feels like to not constantly experience stinging pain. I have to find a way to make him submit. I've tried everything I can think of, every tactic…and I've put all of my strength into fighting with him. What am I doing wrong?

"Byakuya," Yoruichi says supportively, "You're trying too hard. Focus. Breathe. And think carefully. When you mastered him before, what was it that made him submit? You had to have made him submit to you to achieve Ban Kai. How did you do that?"

I drop to my knees, breathing uncharacteristically hard and filled with a need to simultaneously throw up and pass out. I don't want to make him submit anymore. I would be happy to abandon him…except that Renji needs me. I cannot leave him in the hands of that hollow and I cannot face her without a Ban Kai. I've been trying to think back, but the memory is hazy. I do remember what I felt seeing the rising swords. I was thinking that it looked amazing…much more noteworthy than my shikai. Then they dissolved into…pink… I was incensed when I saw it. Yes. I was angry, so angry the sky around me turned black.

I feel something rising in my blood now. It is fiery and a deeper shade of red than Renji's hair. It makes my blood boil underneath my skin and sends the spirit energy around me soaring. I can see a light coming into Yoruichi's eyes. She is smiling now and coming to her feet. The sky is exploding around us, a thrill of white lightning and then the wind whips through our hair. The ground shakes with the impact of my returning power. Senbonzakura is turning. He feels that something has changed. He looks back at me, his petals swirling on the wind. He studies my face and seriousness calms his laughing eyes. He moves toward me slowly step by step. When he reaches me, he stops and takes the measure of me, standing so still with the power blazing around us. 

"So there you are, Byakuya!" he says wonderingly, "You've kept me waiting for a very long time."

Then he lowers his weapon and kneels calmly at my feet.

XXXXXXXXXX

Something is very wrong. Nikira has taken me away from the fortress, out to this lonely abandoned outpost, deep in the desert of Hueco Mundo. Before we left, Sosuke Aizen smiled at me and wished me well…and I felt this really cold feeling inside. The coldness won't go away now. It's down underneath my skin and it makes me wonder what in the hell that bastard did to me…I know he did something. I remember the golden light of Kyoka Suigetsu, and I how I felt myself disappear beneath it. But strangely, when I woke I felt just the same. I know in my heart, though, that he did something. What did he do?

Nikira won't tell me. When I ask her, she just looks back at me with those glowing red eyes and says nothing. The only thing she will say is that it is all part of the game. I have to admit that I am really scared now.

I wasn't scared before, not when they interrogated me, not when they tortured me, not even when they plundered my helpless body. None of that mattered, because when you come from the Rukon District, you don't expect life to be easy. You know that the ones who are stronger will use the weaker. I was weaker than they were, so I endured what I had to, my only concern to survive…because I know this is killing him and I don't want to be someone else he loved and lost. I don't want to be the one who causes him to be broken again. And if I am lost, who will be left to pick up the pieces of the shattered moon?


	9. Using Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya goes to Hueco Mundo to save Renji.

"You must be cautious, Byakuya," Yoruichi tells me as we prepare to leave, "The hollow is expecting you to come alone, so we will have maintain a bit of a distance. Don't worry. I have your back."

She is curious at my dark expression.

"What is it?" she asks.

I shake my head.

"It's…nothing, just…Renji says that."

She smiles sadly.

"We'll find him, Byakuya. I will be able to pick up the scent in my cat form and I will help you find him. Just follow at a distance. We don't want her to know you have help."

Yoruichi has provided me with a shihakushou and supplies for the mission to Hueco Mundo. I take a last look to make sure everything is there, then I look back at her and find her gazing at me a bit oddly.

"What? What is it?" I ask her.

"I was just thinking about you and Renji. I was thinking that, really, it makes a lot of sense…the two of you. You're very different. You…complement each other."

She steps closer and touches my face gently.

"Right down to the red and black of your hair…the calm and the excitable…I can really see how the two of you work."

"Yoruichi," I say, lifting my hand to hers, "thank you for this. Thank you for helping me find him."

She leans forwards and kisses me on the cheek.

"You are welcome," she says, "Little Byakuya."

I cringe, but I won't get angry at her. Not when she's taking on danger to help Renji and me. I may get annoyed with her, but she is helping us.

She shifts to cat form and we head for the garganta. We pass through this quickly and soon find ourselves crossing into Hueco Mundo. She stands very still and blue light forms around the cat body. It radiates around her for several minutes before softly fading. She looks up at me.

"They are to the northeast," she says.

Even now, I can't get used to the male voice of her cat form.

She moves ahead of me until she is distant, but still within sight. It is dark, but even if she goes out of sight, I can still easily sense her there ahead of me. It reminds me of when we were children…when she'd tease me by grabbing my hair tie and flash step away, calling for me to come after her. I was furious, of course, but for some reason, I look back on it and find the memory oddly warming. I follow at a distance, studying the moon and stars as we make our way through the darkness.

The Hueco Mundo desert is cold and quiet. Now and again I hear a low hiss of wind, but there is little else to disturb the silence. It sends a chill through me. I hate this place. Even more, I hate the thought of Renji being here with that hollow.

I have to stop myself from thinking too deeply about what is happening. If I dwell on it too much, I think I'll lose my mind pondering all of the 'what ifs.' We are going to find him…end of story. We will not stop until we do.

XXXXXXXXXX

I'm trying to keep my mind busy. Nikira said that she sensed Byakuya heading this way and she left. She locked me inside an old holding cell. It's dusty and I'm sharing the room with a couple of skeletons, but besides being a little creepy, it's not so bad. The streets of Inuzuri were more scary than this. This is just dark, quiet and empty. I can live with that.

I move closer to the barred window and look out at the sky. The moon is a large crescent and the stars are unusually bright. I keep my spirits up by thinking about Byakuya out in the desert under that sky, probably looking up at the moon. He loves the night sky. He took some time with me in Inuzuri, pointing out some of the constellations and talking about the stories behind them. I was thinking as he was talking how, growing up, I liked the stars, but it wasn't until he started telling me the stories behind them that I really saw the beauty in them. I try to think of the stories to distract myself, to fill this empty time, but my fears about what is going to happen are coming back and getting in the way. I breathe deeply and try to focus. I have to keep myself together so that when he comes we can get out of this mess and go home.

But what did Aizen do to me? The question keeps coming back into my mind.

Nikira said it was part of the game. He is supposed to find us and battle her so that he can retrieve me and go home. I know defeating her will be difficult. That spellbinding power she has is pretty overwhelming. If his Ban Kai has not returned, he'll have one hell of a time beating her. I don't doubt he will, though. He's that determined. But what happens then? I guess if I were Aizen, I'd want to make sure Byakuya didn't get away. He's using me for that. I'm not just bait to bring him here. I have another purpose. I get a sick feeling thinking I might be both the bait and part of the trap.

But Byakuya is smart. He'll have thought of this, right? But I don't know that he'll automatically assume Aizen is involved. If it doesn't occur to him…damn! This is driving me crazy. I hate this.

I am suddenly distracted. All at once, I feel it…the calm touch of his reiatsu. He is close now…and he has reached full power. He's going to be a real challenge for Nikira. I smile thinking about that…but that cold feeling is back. What did Aizen do to me? What the hell did he do!

XXXXXXXXXX

I pull my spirit energy inward and move on silent feet toward the abandoned outpost. I can still sense Yoruichi, but her power is masked as well so that Nikira will not be able to sense us. Renji will sense us…because he and I are close. The thought should warm me, but when my reiatsu briefly touches Renji's, something feels…wrong. I wonder if Renji has been hurt in some way. I hope not, but I cannot risk reaching for his reiatsu again. I have to focus on the task at hand, freeing my vice captain.

All is quiet ahead of me. I am concerned, because although I was able to sense Renji's reiatsu, I cannot not sense the hollow. I know she is there…hiding her reiatsu. My instincts tell me she is there. I have to draw her out and the only way to do that is to move cautiously in Renji's direction, senses extended, as I spring the trap she has set for me. I am relieved that Yoruichi remains concealed nearby as I do this. The hollow has me at a disadvantage and we both know it. As cautious as I am, I am nearly leveled when she appears out of nowhere sending a fiery blast of spirit energy at me from point blank range. It is a lucky thing for me I was shielding. It was strong enough that it would have done serious damage if I had been caught off guard. As it is, I am thrown backward. I adjust my center of balance and slide backwards to a stop. My eyes lock on her glowing red orbs and her smile is wicked.

"Beautiful soul reaper…Byakuya, you are surprisingly good at this game," she says, her power rising around her, "You have found us. You have won the right to challenge me to win him back. Let us begin."

It is no wonder she chose to meet me in battle here in Hueco Mundo. Hollow are much stronger in their home world, just as soul reapers are in the Sereitei. She is already loosing her spellbinding power. I feel heavy waves of drowsiness and confusion trying to break through my defenses, but I am much stronger than I was when we last met. My powers have returned. I step forward and raise my sword.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

The bright petal blades cut a path through the darkness, winging towards her. She moves swiftly, her clawed hands rising, power coalescing around them. Her power meets mine and both disappear in a bright flash. I do not hesitate, because I know this fight will attract others. The longer it goes on, the more chance Yoruichi and I will be caught, ourselves. I raise Senbonzakura point downward and let her go. The red hollow is still smiling in challenge while the swords rise around us.

"Ban Kai, Scatter, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."

It is all a matter now of capturing her in a rush of blades. She is incredibly fast. She spins and weaves through the air, turning and firing shots of red power at me. They break against the petals that rise in my defense, but they are growing steadily stronger. I wonder at that. There is something not right about it. As the battle moves forward, I realize that she is still growing stronger. If this continues, at some point, her power will exceed mine. I realize that I must end this battle quickly.

I use my hands to double the speed of my attack. Luck is with me. She has not anticipated this and my blades close around her. The sphere of blades spins and flashes with pink light. I gaze up at it and calmly detonate it. The ground shakes madly with the force of the blast. The hollow and a sea of petals crash downward into the sand, throwing debris in all directions. I step forward, cautious to keep shielding.

It sends a feeling like ice through my veins as the hollow rises out of the dust, bleeding, but still wearing that mad smile. Her laughter feels like fire under my skin. In a flash, she closes on me releasing fire in a blast that shakes my defenses. She is still growing stronger. I have to decide. Can I defeat her this way, or do I have to abandon defense and put all of my power into attacking her? How much more powerful will she grow?

"Senkei, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."

The pink blades rise and lock in place around us. The hollow gazes at me, bloodied but not beaten.

"Byakuya," she hisses softly, "You are unwise. You see, while you had your defenses up, my spellbinding powers had less of an effect. Feel them now, beautiful soul reaper."

The shock of her power freezes me. She closes in. I have only managed to call a single pink blade into my hand, but my vision is fading. She flashes forward. She has not seen the blade I hold. Her fire explodes around me taking me off my feet as my senkei explodes all around us. I am thrown to the backwards and forced to the ground, burned by her power, blood trickling on my skin. I feel a weight on the blade I hold in my hand. She is impaled on it and her face is twisted in surprise and dismay. Her clawed hand touches my face. Then she explodes into dust.

"Byakuya!"

Renji is running out of the outpost. Yoruichi must have helped him break free. I have only risen as far as my knees when he reaches me. Dropping Zabimaru, he throws his arms around me and claims my mouth hungrily. He seems to have forgotten where we are, that I am somewhat injured…and that we will not be out of danger until we get out of Hueco Mundo, but I understand. The relief I feel at seeing him unharmed sends a tremor through me. I hold him crushingly close letting his lips devour mine. I wish I could let it go on forever, because I was so afraid I wouldn't feel this again. But he is here…he is real. I haven't lost him. I hold him close a moment longer, letting a wave of relief and happiness wash over me. Finally, I draw back and open my mouth to speak. 

My relief at seeing him dissolves into a haze of shock and betrayal…as my lover's eyes suddenly go blank, his hands fall to my wrists, and he calmly seals my spirit energy away.

Sosuke Aizen has appeared behind him. He says nothing, but his smile says everything. He raises Kyoka Suigetsu and my world disappears into a sea of golden light. A chilling last thought crosses my fading mind.

Where is Yoruichi?

XXXXXXXXXX

What did I just do? 

Why?

Why can't I move?

Why is it so hard for me to just breathe?

Is this what he did to me? 

Kami…is this all he did to me, or is this just the beginning?

"Thank you, Renji," Aizen says calmly looking down at the man in my arms who I just betrayed.

At least he isn't badly injured. His wounds from the battle with Nikira are not life threatening. I can be thankful for that, but what will happen next? I'm still frozen. All I can do is sit and stare at him. What's going to happen to him now? Why did Sosuke Aizen do this? Is he doing this to get information? To steal Byakuya's power from the Sereitei? What does he want?

"Come, Renji," Aizen says softly.

My body is moving, but I have no control. I get now that he wanted to use me as bait and as part of the trap…but…shouldn't he have killed me? I mean, he has what he wants now, right? This is about Byakuya. I'm pretty much useless. It makes no sense for him to keep me alive…unless there's something he wants from him…something Byakuya won't yield unless he has leverage. That must be it. Damn! Bait…trap…leverage. It sucks being reduced to that. And I know Aizen hasn't missed what it's doing to the two of us, fucking sadist! He enjoyed using me like that. It suddenly occurs to me that that is why I'm still alive. He's not finished using me, yet. He's started a new game of his own. He wants to use me to see how badly he can fuck with Byakuya's mind.

He has us pegged pretty well. With me, he knew physical domination and a shot of hypnosis would be enough. What's interesting is that he left my mind clear. But now that I think of it, the cruelty in what he's done is obvious. He'll make me do what he wants. He'll make me hurt Byakuya in some way, but as I do it, I will punish myself for it. It was heartbreaking betraying Byakuya and being the reason he was taken in. How much more shattering will this get?

And what is he going to do to Byakuya? He knows that physical attacks will be less useful, because pain is not as effective a weapon against my captain. Byakuya can take a lot of physical punishment. That isn't the way to hurt him. The vulnerability he has is in his heart…the heart most people don't even know he has. That is why Byakuya guards his heart so closely. That's why so few people even know he has a heart. When Nikira told Aizen that I am Byakuya's lover, Aizen discovered the way to get inside his head and to really hurt him. I think things are about to get really bad.

I'll try not to think about that. Because…I think that Sosuke Aizen has made a mistake. By leaving my mind able to focus, he has given me the possibility of fighting back. I know he thinks that's impossible and I don't know if he's right about that or not. Kyoka Suigetsu is strong, but something inside me tells me that love is stronger. I really believe that when push comes to shove, I am capable of breaking free.

But for now, Aizen has control. He leads and I walk behind him, Byakuya resting quietly in my arms. I'm going to remember what it feels like to hold him like this. I'm going to need this as things get more frightening. I have to keep thinking of the good things, of love, of smiles, of calm exchanges under the moon and stars, of nights spent in each other's arms. If I gather all of this together and keep it close to me, maybe it can get me through whatever that bastard is going to do to us. 

We've reached Aizen's fortress. The huge doors open and I follow Aizen inside. He leads me, not down into the lower holding cells…of course not. Byakuya is a captive of some actual importance. We climb a large staircase and walk down a long quiet hallway. There is a door at the end, a room separated from the others and positioned so it can be closely guarded. Aizen opens the door and leads me inside, then motions for me to put Byakuya down. I set him gently on the bed and turn back to Aizen, my body still moving at his command.

"Heal him," Aizen says softly, "Make sure you are thorough. Make him comfortable. I will be back."

Yeah, I bet he will…

Now we're both totally screwed.


	10. The Psychological Cage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aizen uses Renji to try to weaken Byakuya.

I feel awareness returning to my body, but even as things take on a sense of reality, I feel detached, lethargic. A blindfold hides my surroundings, but I can sense that I am in a comfortable room and not a cell. Something is restraining my arms, but it is not painful. It is simply there to control my movements. My spirit energy remains sealed away. This is hardly surprising. It is pretty standard when a soul reaper is held captive. I am surprised that I have been left in such a comfortable state. I sense that my injuries from the battle with Nikira have been healed.

Comfort in your enemy's territory is not necessarily a good thing. It suggests that you will not be spared whatever plan your enemy has, and that whatever happens, they want to keep you alive for an extended time. As to the comforts, they can be withdrawn at any time. In my current situation, I must survive from moment to moment.

Someone is leaning over me. The reiatsu is very strong and its identity is unmistakable. Sosuke Aizen. I am really not surprised at this point. For Renji to betray me to an enemy, they must have used Kyoka Suigetsu. Nothing else would be strong enough.

He removes my blindfold and gazes down at me. But I am distracted almost immediately. Because it isn't something that is restraining my arms…it is someone. It is Renji Abarai. I search his eyes for some sign of my vice captain, but the eyes are detached, the expression vacant. A chill goes through me. What has he done to my vice captain? I know Renji was really there at the outpost. His eyes weren't vacant then. They were alive with emotion when he saw me. Then they just went blank. But, does that mean he is gone…or is his spirit just being restrained by the hypnosis? He cannot be gone. I won't believe that…but assuming his mind is trapped, restrained…kami, Aizen wants him to be there. He wants Renji to be aware of what he's being made to do. 

I see what Aizen plans. I see it and there is absolutely nothing I can do. 

It is no mistake or coincidence that Aizen used Renji to subdue me. He could easily have appeared at the end of my battle with the hollow and done this himself. He has, no doubt, been made aware of my relationship with my vice captain. The hollow most likely told him. Aizen has known me long enough to know that I do not trust easily. By turning Renji against me, he forced my lover to break the trust between us. It is a heartbreaking loss for both of us. Aizen has driven the impact of that loss further into our hearts by using Renji to aid in restraining me through whatever he plans to do to me. I have to think that, at some point, Renji will be used to inflict pain on me. It shakes me to wonder what manner of pain it will be. I don't fear physical pain. I can still defend myself against that. But there are other more effective ways to cause pain. And Aizen has an associate who is a master at causing pain. That would be Ichimaru Gin.

My only hope…is that somehow, some way, I can break through the hypnosis to reach my vice captain. Aizen has carefully stripped me of any ability to break free…but because he trusts the hypnosis so thoroughly, he will not have used as many restraints on Renji. The important thing is to stay alive and in contact with Renji, so that, at some point, we are alone together. Aizen is cocky and self-assured. He won't be terribly worried that leaving us alone will be a problem. I have to hope that his hypnosis has a weakness. Otherwise, Renji and I will not escape whatever fate Aizen plans for us.

"Byakuya," Aizen says, leaning close, "I'm very pleased you have come. I know you came to free your vice captain, but I'm afraid I cannot allow you to simply leave. I have actually been thinking about you ever since I left the Sereitei. I realized that I made a mistake, Byakuya. You see, when I left, I should have taken you with me."

"What makes you think for a moment, that I would ever side with you, Sosuke Aizen?" I ask calmly.

I don't like the way he smiles. It looks friendly enough, but I can see deception in his eyes.

"Why Byakuya, I never said that I expected you to side with me. I merely said that I should have brought you with me."

A chill passes through me. I see where this is going.

"Why?" I ask, "Why would you want me here? You never indicated a desire for my company before. What has changed?"

"Ah," he breathes, running a hand down the side of my face, "much has changed, Byakuya."

I pull away and to my surprise, Renji releases one of my arms and strikes my face sharply.

"You will not disrespect Lord Aizen," Renji says firmly.

He reclaims his hold on my arms. Aizen smiles.

"You see, Byakuya? Renji was once subject to your commands, your will…and now he is subject to mine. He is a very obedient servant. I value obedience, Byakuya. I reward it greatly."

He grabs a handful of my hair and turns my eyes to meet his. I glare hatefully at his calm expression.

"I punish poor behavior. You know, Renji is so much more malleable than you. Of course, I used Kyoka Suigetsu on him. I don't want to do that with you, so I think your training will take you down a somewhat different path. You won't be easily tamed, so I think you shall be broken. When I am finished with you, Byakuya, you will serve me…in any way I choose. I am going to break you and then, like Renji, you will be mine."

I feel a sick feeling enter my stomach as I anticipate what is coming next.

"Renji," Aizen says softly, "You are to assist Gin. You are to restrain Byakuya, to hurt him if he is defiant, and to heal any wounds when the two of you are finished."

Gin has entered the room. His reiatsu invades the area, making the sick feeling in my stomach even worse. I try looking up at Renji again, but I cannot stand looking into those vacant eyes. I've never seen such emptiness and coldness there. I focus on the feeling of his hands on my arms. They are there to restrain me, but with my eyes closed and a little bit of focus, I can place myself back in Inuzuri and it changes the context of being held. It works for a moment, then Renji's voice breaks my concentration. His voice is commanding, devoid of emotion, cold.

"Don't close your eyes."

Of course. I am to be denied any sort of escape. Aizen wants me to feel the pain. He wants me to feel the pain and to have no choice but to respond to it. And while I'm hurting, he wants me to look into the empty eyes of my lover and know that he is helping them to inflict this pain. It is a simultaneous attack on my body, my mind, and my heart. Sosuke Aizen knows what he is doing. He has broken many soul reapers.

I cannot afford to think about what they are going to do to me. Instead, I focus on one ray of hope I still have. I assume since Aizen hasn't mentioned Yoruichi that she must have escaped. Somehow she will find a way to bring help for us. There is that thin branch of hope for us. I will hang on to that. Whatever faults Yoruichi has…there is an unmistakable connection between us. She may have abandoned me to protect Urahara, but I do not believe she would leave me in enemy hands. She promised her help and I believe she will keep her promise. 

While I wait, I must focus on Renji. I have to try to reach him through the hypnosis. I don't know if it is possible, but I have to try. I cannot think of anything else to do.

I feel touches on my skin as Gin prepares to begin. He has placed electrodes in different places on my body and they are connected to a machine of some sort. It is a common enough device used to inflict pain without leaving marks on the recipient. I think Gin is not pleased with this because he likes to use more brute force, but apparently Aizen doesn't want my body damaged. It both relieves and disturbs me.

A needle is inserted in my arm and my mind becomes foggy. The intent is clear. I won't be able to hold my focus and that lowers my resistance. They really have thought of everything.

Gin smiles down at me.

"Comfy?"

He looks away for a moment, then looks up at Renji.

"Hold him tightly now…and don't let him close his eyes."

There is an initial shock of pain as Gin begins. I flinch, but I clench my teeth and stop the reaction there. Gin watches carefully and steadily increases the amount of pain he inflicts until my body tenses under the weight of it. Whatever drug I've been given makes my focus shaky, but I still manage to keep my silence. Gin frowns and increases the level of pain again.

The pain is steady and intense, firing through my veins, burning and stinging my skin. As the level increases, I feel a sensation like knives passing through me. The steadiness of the pain gives way to an erratic dance of impulses. I can no longer anticipate it.

I try to focus on breathing, but now my mind has become too foggy to focus on anything.

"Renji," says Gin softly, "He is resisting. I think you should do something about that."

The cold brown eyes take hold of mine. His hands take hold of my shihakushou, tearing at the skin underneath.

"You are resisting," he says in a low, angry voice, "Do not resist."

His hands return to my arms and tighten painfully.

"Come now, Byakuya," says Gin, "This isn't any fun with you being so quiet."

Renji's eyes have become deadly. His fingernails break my skin.

"Do what he says," Renji growls, "Cry out."

Gin increases the pain again. My ears are ringing and consciousness is fading. Still I haven't cried out. As I fall into the darkness, something catches my attention. There is a flicker of pain in Renji's eyes. Yes…he is there for a moment. The shock of seeing it shatters my resolve. As the blackness takes over, I lose control and enter it with a deep wounded cry of pain.

XXXXXXXXXX

Damn! How can this be happening? I don't want to do this. I can't. But I can't stop it. I have to find a way to break free! I swore I would protect him. I told him how much I love him. He risked everything to fight his fears and love me back. He was so afraid he would lose me like the others. He was afraid I would die like they did, but kami, this is a thousand times worse!

How can he look so calm? There is nothing controlling his body, and yet he's looking up into my eyes with concern…for me! He's fucking worried about me? I just sealed away his spirit energy so he couldn't fight them. I carried him into his enemy's fortress. I'm holding him down so they can torture him, and he has nothing better to do than look up at me like that?

How does he manage to stay so calm? So focused? If I could tremble, sweat, cry, or even move of my own free will, I would do it! But he's not fighting my hold on him at all. He is thinking…maybe thinking he can find a way out of this mess. I can see it in those beautiful black eyes. If you know how to read them, they'll tell you everything. What they're telling me right now is that there is still hope. They tell me that he has not given up. I have to stay strong too. I have to look for a way to break free.

It has to happen before they succeed in breaking him.

Shit! He hasn't even dealt with everything he left the Sereitei to deal with, and now they're weighing him down with more. I'm really afraid for him, now. What Zabimaru said…about how a soul reaper's power is dependent on a balance of body, mind, and heart? Aizen is attacking all three of those things at once. The machine he's hooked up to is hurting him physically…and the drug they gave him, along with the way they keep making me discipline him is assaulting his mind. The worst part is using me against him. His heart has got to be broken over that. Put those together and you have a recipe for disaster. But my captain is strong. He has survived so many things. I have to believe he'll survive this, too.

This is killing me inside. Gin keeps raising the level of pain and Byakuya's not making a sound. His body has tensed some, but he's still in control. The drug and the pain are affecting him, though. It's becoming more and more evident in those eyes. I want to scream for him, say something, but I can't! I can't move to comfort him. I can't change my expression to tell him my thoughts are with him! 

His body has gone taut with pain and his eyes are so filled with it! Damn! I can't look away! I can't help him! 

Byakuya!

Something just registered in his eyes. He saw it! I must have done something when my mind screamed his name. He knows…he knows I'm trapped in here. It gives me reason to hope. I can't allow my mind to be broken. I have to hang on for him. There is hope. If he saw something, then that means there is hope.

He's losing consciousness. I think it's a blessing. At least they can't hurt him while he's unconscious. Sleep Captain. I will find a way to protect you. I swear it!

XXXXXXXXXX

When I wake again, there is a kido field around me. I cannot move except to breathe or to speak. I feel that Renji is in the room, but I cannot look for him. Everything is quiet and dark. The pain I felt earlier is gone and I have been made comfortable again. I find it confusing. I don't understand why Aizen is doing this. Perhaps it's just another element of the psychological game he is playing.

"Renji?" I whisper.

There is no answer.

I close my eyes and find myself unable to sleep. I let my mind drift back to Inuzuri. If I focus, I can feel the cold water of the river on my skin. I can remember how it felt to sit under the stars with Renji and tell him their stories. I can feel his lips capture mine and I hear his voice in my ears. I want to stay there in that perfect place in my mind, but as I lie there remembering, the door to my room opens and I sense that Ichimaru Gin has entered the room.

He looks around carefully. I know he is looking to see if Renji is awake. Apparently, he is not, because Gin moves towards me, studying my face in the darkness, noting my open eyes and then flash stepping and placing a hand over my mouth. Shinzou touches my side in warning. He makes no sound as he climbs onto the bed beside me.

"Not a sound or I'll kill you," he hisses in my ear before taking his hand away from my mouth, "I can kill you before he can move. In fact, maybe I should kill him…and then come back for you."

The blood freezes in my veins.

"No," I whisper back, "I won't wake him."

He barely stifles his laugh.

"A wise choice, Byakuya."

The kido field holds me still as he opens the top of my shihakushou, then leans over me, fastening his mouth tightly onto mine. The contact is brutal and I taste blood in my mouth as he forces his way in. His hands clench my face, his fingernails digging in mercilessly. He moves over and brings his body down on mine, grinding his hips deeply into mine.

I want to cry out, but Shinzou is still beside him and I couldn't move to stop him if he tried to reach Renji.

My heart races and I feel dizzy and cold as he slowly pulls away the rest of my clothing. I cannot move my head to turn it away, so I close my eyes. Gin straddles my body and grabs my face with one hand.

"Open your eyes," he whispers, "I want to see them."

As my eyes open, he opens his. I've never seen his eyes wide open like that before. They are ice blue and they bore into me. I try to remove myself mentally. I try to picture something else, anything else in my mind…but those eyes won't let me retreat. They won't let me escape what he is about to do. And now I cannot speak or move or breathe. He forces himself between my thighs and moves forward. I cannot make a sound, but my mind screams.

Renji!

Something…someone rises up over me and Gin is torn away from me. I hear the impact of bodies hitting the floor, blows being exchanged. 

"Stop, you imbecile," Gin snaps, "He had a nightmare. I was…"

"Leave!" Renji orders him, "Lord Aizen commanded that no one is to touch him."

"Why you…Ah, never mind. Sleep well, Byakuya, I'll be back."

The door closes.

"Bastard," Renji mutters.

"Renji?" I call softly.

Could he be back? Could he have…?

The kido field releases. I sit up, looking for him. He turns toward me and my hopes are shattered. His eyes are still vacant. He climbs onto the bed and I sink into his arms anyway. He lets me hold onto him while he puts my clothing back in place. He starts to push me back down, but I lock my arms around his neck and kiss him. He does not return it or react. He just loosens my hands and pushes me down onto the bed. The kido field takes hold again and I cannot move.

Renji sits at my side and searches my body for injuries. Each time he finds a cut or bruise, he pauses and healing light touches me. When he is finished, he sits beside me, watching the door. I can only fall asleep because I know he won't. I know what I heard. It may be only fleeting moments…but he is there and he is trying as hard as he can to come back to me.


	11. The Breaking and the Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya nears his breaking point.

I have to get Byakuya out of here. Normally, Byakuya Kuchiki isn't someone you have to worry about. It's usually the rest of us getting rescued by him. He's the one who appears just in time and saves everyone's collective ass and then disappears in a flash step before you can thank him. But this situation has really shaken him.

Aizen took away the very things that make Byakuya so strong. His power is sealed away. I don't know where they're keeping his zanpakuto. Gin comes in and tortures him a couple of times a day while I hold him and Aizen watches with those damned predatory eyes of his. Half of the time when Byakuya tries to sleep, he wakes up screaming. I think that the hardest thing, though, is that he's so afraid Gin will come back at night like he did before.

It didn't bother me that much when Aizen and Gin screwed me. It was just part of the domination. I knew it was going to happen and I could live with it. I'm a street kid. I grew up aware of it. And let's be honest…no one escapes the Rukon unscathed. You just suck it up and move on. I'm hardened enough that I can do that. That's just not true of Byakuya.

Byakuya is a noble. He has been sheltered and raised to believe that these kinds of things won't happen to him. And up until now, he had the power to protect himself from it. The only people who've ever touched him are Hisana and me. The idea that anyone would touch him that way against his will was ridiculous. Important word…was. I know where Aizen is heading with this weird thing he has going. I see it in his eyes. Sooner or later, Aizen is going to stop all of the messing around and he is going to…kami, I can't even think it.

Why is it that I can think of myself being fucked or screwed, but I can't even think of those things happening to him? Why does my heart tell me that of all of the things they could do to him, that is the one thing that would bring everything crashing down. Damn, he's already halfway gone. We don't even have to put him under the kido field anymore, because he doesn't fight us when Gin comes in and all he does when they're not torturing him is sit by the window and stare out at the sky.

There are only two things holding us together. First, I've started to regain a little bit of control over my body. I can't do a lot, but I have been able to steal glances at him, to use hidden touches to reassure him, and I've managed a few words here and there. It isn't much, but it's why he's lasted this long. It's why we've both lasted this long.

The other encouraging thing is that there has been a black cat hanging around the window…and if I know my cats, I'd say it's a certain shape-shifter trying to find a way to get us free. When Byakuya sees her outside the window, he makes small signs to her. I'm not sure how she responds. I hope she comes for us soon. I'm afraid of what will happen to him if we're here much longer.

The door opens and Gin is back with Aizen. He sees them come in and this time his reaction is different. He stands and backs away until his back is against the wall. His eyes are lowered.

"Lie down, Byakuya," Aizen orders him.

His eyes meet Aizen's and I see something I've never seen in them before….defeat. I can't bear the sight of it. But Aizen sees it and he approaches Byakuya slowly. He gazes at him for a moment.

"Byakuya," he says quietly, "are you defying me?"

"No," he whispers.

"Then why didn't you obey me just now?" he asks, holding Byakuya's eyes.

"I…just…want it to stop."

Aizen barely suppresses a smile.

"Are you saying that you surrender?"

He drops his eyes. He can't say it.

Aizen places a hand under his chin and raises his eyes.

"Do you surrender?" he asks again.

I catch his eyes very carefully and give a slight shake of my head. He is surprised by the connection. His breath catches softly and he steps away from Aizen. He climbs back onto the bed and, now calm again, he waits for Gin to begin. Aizen leans over him and I can barely catch the words.

"All you have to do is submit. Surrender and no one will ever touch you again…except for me."

He turns back to Gin.

"Gin," he says softly, "Continue."

I feel something inside me breaking. I can't let this go on anymore. Aizen may have made me see him as my master, but that is shattering under the weight of what he's doing to the man who I love. I know I'm regaining control. I feel the anger in my body now. It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to try to kill him where he stands.

We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here now!

Gin has barely started and there are already tears in his eyes. Moments later, Gin smiles widely as Byakuya's cries fill the room.

XXXXXXXXXX

I won't think about the pain. It's growing distant anyway and it is the same as it has been since I was brought here. They wanted my tears and my cries, so now they have them. But what they really want is for me to give in. They want me to beg them to stop. They want me to plead for relief, but they don't understand. I feel less and less every day. They are taking away my reasons for surrender.

"Byakuya?"

I must be dreaming again. Sometimes I think I hear him speak to me, but those eyes are always empty…every time I look, until I just don't want to look anymore. I must be losing my mind.

"Byakuya, I'm here."

Renji leans over me and I imagine it must be for healing. It's the only time his hands are this gentle. But his touch is different and not meant for healing. What is happening?

The room is dark now and we are alone.

"Can you hear me? Byakuya, look at me!"

His voice sounds soft and desperate. It's strange because usually there is no emotion at all. And he never kisses me. Why is he kissing me now?

Is this real? I want it to be, but it can't be, can it? Kyoka Suigetsu is so strong! Can love be stronger?

"Look at me!"

It's a whisper. But is it just in my mind? I can't take it anymore. It's too much.

I grab hold of Renji and bury my face in his shoulder. I can't stop the tears now. I keep my cries silent, because I don't want them to hear. I don't want them to know how close I am to breaking.

Is he holding me? I don't know anymore. I know I can't let go of him. Usually he would have pulled away by now, but he's not letting go. I think I'm falling back, but he moves with me. He isn't letting go. And if it is a dream it isn't fading.

Did we somehow escape? Where are we?

"This is just to tide you over…to get you through."

I feel his mouth on mine. I taste it, but I still don't know if it is real. The air feels cool on my skin except where his warmth touches me. I've felt this before. We were together like this in Inuzuri.

"Please look at me?"

I cannot look. If I see those vacant eyes, I'll be crushed beneath them. It's too much to hope that he'll really be here.

His touches are deeper, more urgent. He's moving against me and it's like it was before…before we were here. Before he was taken away.

But how can he have returned? Kyoka Suigetsu is too strong…isn't it?

Ah, kami, can love be stronger? Are we really together this way? Is the weightlessness real? Am I truly breathless?

I open my eyes.

"Renji?"

He's smiling down at me. His eyes are alive again and I can't stop staring. I don't care if I'm dreaming. I don't care if it is or is not real. My racing heart believes it and all my senses have come back to life.

"Renji…"

"I'm here."

His mouth is on mine again. He doesn't want them to hear him calling my name, so he breathes it into me as he releases. I cannot hold back anymore. Letting go of all restraint, I let the light explode out of me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I can only hold him for a little longer now. Making love with him like that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. Aizen could have walked in on us…or Gin could have carried through on his threat to return…and I would have been dead. Because what's not being said here is that my usefulness is coming to an end. When Byakuya breaks, Aizen will no longer need me. So really it was also self-preservation. I have to hold him together a little longer.

The stealth force is here. That's what he told me afterward, when he realized I had broken the hypnosis. That's what Yoruichi was here to tell him. They will come for us after nightfall. We only need to face one more day. It's nearly dawn.

After we made love, he finally slept without the nightmares. His face looks more peaceful than it's been since we arrived here. There is strength in him again.

He scared the hell out of me. It was like he didn't know if I was real or imaginary, but who could blame him for losing all sense of reality…after what he's been through…after what we've been through.

"Renji," he whispers, his hands tightening on my arms.

"I'm still here," I tell him and I feel him relax again, but his eyes are open.

"I'm here now, too," he breathes, "thanks to you, Renji."

I smile at him, feeling a wave of relief. We can get through this day now. And tonight we'll fight our way out of here and go home.

We kiss one more time, and then I move away, taking a seat in the chair near the bed as I have every day we've been here. Byakuya drifts off to sleep again. I figure that the more of this day he spends sleeping, the better off we'll be. We'll need to be at full strength tonight. I make a mental note to remember to release the bonds that have sealed away his spirit energy. I'd do it now, but we'll probably see more of Gin and Aizen today. We don't want them to suspect anything.

As if they had read my mind, Aizen and Gin suddenly walk in together. I let my face take on a blankness and I wait to see what they'll do. Byakuya wakes as they enter and sits up, gazing at them. Aizen sits down next to him and takes his hands. Byakuya does not resist. He doesn't respond at all. Nor does he move when Aizen touches his face. He's being very careful We're a breath away from rescue and he doesn't want to change the status quo.

"Byakuya," he says quietly, "I think we've reached the tipping point, haven't we? I could push you to submit fully now, but I don't want your mind to collapse completely. I don't want you to be mindless, after all. Then, it wouldn't be you. And there are reasons why I want you here. To serve those purposes, you must not be reduced to an empty shell. So let us do this. Think of something, Byakuya…something that will tip that balance. What will make you stay here willingly? If it is within my power, I will give it to you."

I wait for my captain to move I wait for him to say something. I wait for him to tell Aizen that there is nothing that would make him willingly give in. But Byakuya's eyes have risen…and kami, he's looking at me. Aizen follows his gaze and smiles.

"I can't give him back to you," he tells Byakuya softly, "because once you are mine there can't be anyone else, but I could let him go. You could watch him leave here."

Aizen has played the trump card. He and Byakuya both know that Aizen is going to kill me as soon as he has what he wants.

There is a long silence.

"How would I know that it isn't an illusion, Sosuke Aizen. You are capable of making me see anything you want. How will I know you've kept your word and my vice captain is safe?"

Aizen sighs.

"You could walk him to the gates."

"You could certainly make me see that…but I still wouldn't know if it was real. And for me to give in…for me to give you what you want, I would have to know beyond doubt that I was trading my freedom for his life."

"Byakuya, I know there are allies of yours nearby."

Shit, we're in trouble. I hold my breath.

"I have felt their presence and I know they've come for you. They can't save you. They will be destroyed. So many will die. You can stop it. Walk Renji to the gates and call for them to meet him. I will stay behind and Gin will accompany you. Say good-bye to him and watch him walk away and know he is safe. Then come back to me. You and I have much to do. I promise you that you won't regret this…but you will regret it if you resist me any more. What do you say, Byakuya?"

He closes his eyes for a moment. Everything rests on this. When they open again, I see the captain I love, calmly looking his enemy in the eyes.

"Sosuke Aizen, this decision weighs on me. Realize you are asking me to leave the one I love, to take the hand of my enemy and to betray the ones I protect and serve. I ask you for three days…three days of peaceful reflection to consider…please."

Aizen stands and looks back at Byakuya.

"You have one hour, Byakuya. Gin will come back in one hour. If you agree to this, he will escort the two of you to the gates and Renji will leave. If you refuse, he will kill Renji before your rescuers can make their attempt to save you. Come, Gin."

He is gone before either of us can move.

"He'll kill me anyway," I tell Byakuya, "He'll let you think I'm free and he'll kill me. There's no way he'll just let me go. You know that."

Byakuya nods. We may be in dire straits and he might be worn down, but my captain knows his enemy. That's how he got where he is.

"I needed to make them leave. We have to move now. Unseal my spirit energy. He left you your zanpakuto because he still thinks you're under his power. I can sense Senbonzakura. Get me to him and we will fight our way out of here."

I'm already moving. I take his hands and free him from the seal that holds back his power.

"Door's locked," I tell him, and he smiles.

"Vice Captain Abarai, MOVE."

I flash step to his side.

"Hado #33," he says, "Soukatsui."

Door? What door?

The battle for our freedom begins.


	12. To Defend My Captain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya and Renji make a heartstopping attempt to escape Las Noches.

"Vice Captain Abarai."

"Hai, Captain?"

"Watch my back."

"With pleasure, sir."

It seems like only a short time has passed since I became Byakuya Kuchiki's vice captain. With an angry, hardened heart, I took my place at his side under false pretenses, with an agenda that defied the trust placed in me.

He was a cold-hearted indifferent bastard, one who robbed me of the one person who meant everything to me. Then he turned on her and abandoned her when she needed him most.

That's what was there on the surface.

The truth is so much more beautiful than that.

If he wasn't who he is, he would never have married a peasant girl from Inuzuri. If she hadn't been his wife, he wouldn't have needed to find Rukia. If he hadn't taken Rukia, I wouldn't have had the agenda that brought me to his side. And if not for the blood we all spilled to save Rukia, I never would have discovered who he was. I never would have fallen for him. It's like Hisana told him. There is light even in the darkness. There is always hope that something will change for the better. Byakuya and I are proof of that.

Charging down that burning hallway, kido spells blazing a trail before us, we have become strong again, stronger than we ever were before. Our spirit energy rages around us as we race forward side-by-side. The hall guards fall in blazes of our red and blue fire, and we flash step to the landing at the top of the stairs. He disappears into one of the rooms and returns a moment later with Senbonzakura in his hand. We turn together and run for the staircase as the howls of hollow rise around us.

"Roar, Zabimaru!"

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

Pink petals flash in the air behind us, slashing at the hollow moving in around us, and my zanpakuto clears the stairs. Then we are racing for the door. I glance over my shoulder to make sure he's there behind me. He's there, a shadow in the haze of dust and smoke. I raise Zabimaru to take out the front doors. The doors shatter and explode. The way is opened.

"Renji…"

I look at him walking out of the smoke. He is there one moment, a dark, ethereal form, and then to my surprise and horror, the image of him flickers and slowly disappears. I stop cold, heart in my throat as the seething hollow gather around me. I look back and Byakuya is standing still at the top of the stairs, Aizen and Gin behind him, two zanpakuto pressed against his pale throat. So close. We were so close! Damn!

I stand, legs shaking with adrenaline, and Zabimaru trembling with rage in my tightened fist. I can't believe we got this far together only to be stopped a few feet from our goal.

"That was nicely played, Renji," Aizen says softly, "but, you see, I knew Byakuya would not willingly yield to me. He was just buying time for a rescue force to arrive. My offer to set you free was meant to push him to attempt escape. I had to do that because I knew that a team was coming to rescue you and I wanted to end this before they could attack. I gave him the hour to consider my offer, and then waited for him in the room where Senbonzakura was. I captured him, but created the illusion you saw behind you. And now it is over. The one thing I don't know in all of this is how you could break the hypnosis. No one ever has. It's almost enough to make me want to keep you alive, so I could find out why. But I have no more time for you. The time has come for you to die, Renji, but don't worry, it will be a loving hand that takes your life."

He takes his blade away from Byakuya's throat and raises it.

"I'm going to make him see you as his enemy, Renji. I'm going to make him kill you. Do you know why?"

"Because you're a sadistic bastard?" I ask sarcastically.

"Renji, a person's mind is like a house of cards. It doesn't require much to bring it down. His mind has been under attack since he arrived here. I told you before. He has reached the tipping point. Having him kill you will drive him into madness. It will cause him to feel unbearable guilt and it will remove the support that is holding him together, Renji…you. He won't have anything left to fight me with at that point. Control after that will be easy."

I was right. He is a sadistic bastard.

My eyes are on Byakuya's. His are flushed with power and strangely calm. I can tell that he still has something up his sleeve. I relax slightly and take a step towards Aizen. A step is all I manage…and then all hell breaks loose.

Golden lightning bursts through the door and I have to flash step to get out of the way. It's shunko…Yoruichi! As soon as they see it, as soon as they realize what's happening, they slash at him. Blood explodes around them.

"Byakuya!" I cry, and the next thing I know, my Ban Kai is activated, flying at them as Byakuya starts to fall. 

I watch in terrified fascination as he begins the long tumble down the stairs…then while my heart is still clenched in shock, someone appears next to me, and an arm wraps firmly around my waist.

"It's okay," Byakuya hisses softly, "a special flash step I learned from Yoruichi."

But he's not okay. Even with the flash step, they cut him. I can feel the weakening of his reiatsu. He leans heavily against me and we back away. Aizen and Gin have realized what Byakuya did and they start towards us, zanpakuto rising.

Yoruichi bursts into the room with Captain Soi Fon on her heels and a group of fighters behind them. I send Zabimaru directly at Aizen and Gin.

"Hikotsu Taiho!"

They are forced back, but Shinzou is closing on me. 

"Ban Kai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."

A shield of petal blades rises up in front of us. Shinzou pounds against it, but can't break through. Petal blades rise and head towards Aizen and Gin, but suddenly Aizen's zanpakuto flashes and the room is filled with copies of them…and no way to know where they really are.

The next thing I know, Byakuya takes hold of me and flash steps toward the door, releasing another blast of petal blades behind us. We've almost gained the door when a devastatingly familiar voice rises up behind us.

"Oh Byakuya," Aizen's voice says softly, "You don't think you're going to get away from me, do you?"

I hear Byakuya's sharp intake of breath and I break free of him, throwing myself in between him and Aizen and slashing with Zabimaru. I feel a flash of pain and Byakuya and I are falling. Petal blades send Aizen flash stepping away and Byakuya drags me to my feet. We can't keep this up much longer. We're both bleeding now. He holds me against him and flash steps out the door. We gain the courtyard and find that it's held by Squad 2 troops, keeping the way open for our retreat. Yoruichi and Soi Fon are racing out the doors. Byakuya sends a blast of petal blades as cover for them as they break free. We're in retreat now, running alongside Yoruichi and Captain Soi Fon, the retreating force providing cover for us. The sounds of fighting slowly fall away. We slow to take an accounting of our situation. Only then does my captain sigh softly and drop to the ground. 

"Byakuya!" I yell, dropping down beside him.

I hear Yoruichi call for Hanatoro, but all I can focus on is my captain. I turn him over carefully and pull him into my arms. His eyes flicker open and come to rest on mine. "Renji…"

"I'm here," I tell him, "and Hanatoro is coming. Hang in there, okay?"

He reaches up and pushes the top of my shihakushou open wider.

"You're bleeding," he says softly, "Renji…you stepped in front of me. You protected me. Aizen was going to give me the killing blow."

"Hey," I reply, smiling down at him, "my most important duty is to defend my captain. I'm just sorry they got to you at all."

"Hah!" he huffs, wincing, "If I'd done the flash step fast enough, I wouldn't have been cut. It was my own fault." 

That brings a soft chuckle from Yoruichi who has knelt down next to us.

"You did the flash step just fine, Byakuya," she tells him, smiling devilishly, "Only I could have been faster. It was just a very extreme situation. You're lucky you got away at all."

"You couldn't have done it faster, Demon Cat," he says, his voice light, almost affectionate.

Hanatoro runs up to us and I lower Byakuya onto the ground again and watch as Hanatoro leans over him and pulls back the shredded top of his shihakushou. I gasp involuntarily at the sight. Two deep slashes mark his torso, one extending nearly from shoulder to waist. The other is shorter, but deeper and bleeding heavily. Shit, no wonder he collapsed! I know things are bad when Hanatoro yells for them to get him to the encampment quickly. I lean over him as they prepare to take him away.

"I'll be waiting for you, Captain," I tell him, squeezing his hand.

He reaches up and pulls me down to him, his lips catching mine, heedless of who might be watching. Whatever anyone might be thinking, no one says a word. Yoruichi and I follow after as the healers carry him away to the encampment. I watch with a sick feeling inside as he disappears into the tent. I follow Yoruichi to a spot under a nearby tree.

Now, we wait.

"What happened?" I ask, "How did the stealth force know?"

"Oh, that's right," she says, "You don't know. I was with Byakuya when he came to fight the hollow that took you. I stayed in cat form and remained hidden, so Aizen didn't know I was there when he took you and Byakuya. I went back to the Sereitei and told the head captain what had happened. He sent the stealth force to attack the fortress and the eleventh to protect our pathway back to the Sereitei."

"Wait a second," I say, confused, "I thought Byakuya couldn't stand you! I thought he said he'd never depend on the likes of you."

She laughs.

"Renji, don't be ridiculous. Byakuya might not be overly fond of me. He might even want to kill me sometimes. But Byakuya wanted to rescue you. You meant so much to him that it was nothing for him to lower his pride and come to me. He needed his Ban Kai to save you. He would have done just about anything for your safety."

"So…he told you about us?" I ask, blushing a little…okay, a lot.

I'm not afraid of letting people know. I just didn't know how he would feel about it. It feels kind of good knowing he told her.

"Renji, Byakuya didn't have to tell me anything. It was written all over his face when he explained what was happening…but he admitted it when I called him on it. I thought it was pretty cute and ironic. I mean, just a short time ago, you hated him and he almost killed you. What changed things?"

"Well…" I tell her, "I'm not sure why things changed for him, but everything changed for me when he saved Rukia by stepping in front of Gin's blade. I didn't understand why he did it…then while I was being healed, I heard what he told Rukia. I started to realize that I had misjudged him. He did such a good job of hiding himself in coldness and indifference. I was completely taken in. And once I saw who he really was, I felt so bad that I hadn't been able to see through the mask. I really couldn't believe the person who existed there. But then, while he was in the healing center, he started to open up to me. There, and when I found him in Inuzuri, he shared his true self with me and, Yoruichi, I couldn't help but love him. He was afraid to love me in return, but we worked our way through that. I just wonder what will happen now."

"What do you mean?"

"We have a lot to face when we get back to the Sereitei. The Kuchiki elders may decide to strip him of his title and kenseiken if he tells them. That, or they could try to force him into a marriage of convenience."

"Hmm," she says, nodding, "I am well acquainted with the workings of the noble households. You don't have an easy path ahead of you. Renji, what do you think he should do?"

"Hell, I don't know. I won't mind if he keeps it quiet. I'd understand," I say, but it hurts me a bit to say the words aloud.

She takes my hands.

"What about the other option, Renji? How do you feel about him entering a marriage of convenience," she asks.

I sigh, and answer honestly.

"It sucks. It would still be a lie. But it would be worth it if it meant we could stay together."

She gets quiet for a moment, thinking.

"Renji, what if there was a third option?"

I open my mouth to ask what she means, but Hanatoro comes out of the tent, looking tired and worn. I don't like his expression.

"Hanatoro?" I say, my heart in my throat.

"He will live," Hanatoro assures us, "but he's still weak from losing so much blood. I think it would be good for you to go and sit with him. He isn't fully conscious yet, but he keeps asking for you."

I nod and take my leave of Yoruichi. I feel her eyes following me as I enter the tent.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Renji?"

I feel the familiar reiatsu and warm hands grasp mine.

"Hey, Captain, I told you I'd be waiting. How are you feeling?"

"Ugh," I groan, forcing myself into a sitting position, "I'm tired of medical tents and healing centers. I want to go back home. I've practically forgotten what home looks like."

Renji laughs, but I hear the anxiety…the worry. It's not just that he was worried about my injuries. The weight of what we're doing is becoming real for him. We haven't even arrived in the Sereitei, and already we feel it. In Inuzuri and even in our enemy's fortress, we were sheltered from the consequences of our choice to love each other. We could focus on one another and not have to concern ourselves with consequences. Were we being reckless by following our hearts? Have we set ourselves up for torment? I know too much about making choices and living to regret them, but I truly believe I would regret it more if I hadn't taken this chance. Will I feel the same when I know the consequences of my choice? Will he?

I want to believe we are strong enough. I want that with all of my heart. I think that if what's between us was strong enough to break the spell of Kyoka Suigetsu, then Renji and I have a bond that is unbreakable.

I still have my fears. I haven't forgotten the price that love exacts. At some point, one of us will face the loss of the other. We don't know whether we have a short time or many happy years, but I feel as Renji said he did. If I am fated to die sooner because of it, then so be it. I won't fear the consequences. Like Renji, I will face them head-on as they come. Side by side, we will be strong enough. I believe that with everything inside me.

"Renji," I say softly.

"Hai, Captain."

"Have Hanatoro come," I tell him.

He looks concerned. He needn't be.

"What's wrong? Do you feel worse?" he asks nervously.

"No, I'm fine, but get him, please."

I am never this patient with my subordinates. I just cannot seem to conjure up that overbearing personality. Maybe I took more damage than I thought. Renji leaves for a moment and when he returns, Hanatoro is at his side. He studies me anxiously.

"Do you need something, Captain Kuchiki?" Hanatoro asks.

"Yes," I tell him, "My vice captain has been wounded and has not yet been treated. Please see to his injuries immediately."

"Hai, Captain," Hanatoro says, turning to Renji.

"I'm fine," Renji insists, "You don't need to…"

"Shut up, Abarai," I tell him, yawning, "Let the healer do his job."


	13. Making Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya and Renji struggle with where to take their budding romance.

I expected it eventually, but I am taken by surprise when I catch sight of the summons on my desk. I don't think that we've been terribly obvious…we only kissed in front of others that one time during our rescue. So how is it that it reached the council in time for this to be…waiting…immediately upon our arrival in the Sereitei? It is troubling to consider the possibilities. Am I still that despised? And who, of anyone who assisted in our rescue, would want to do this? It suggests malice…prejudice.

I am certainly no stranger to that.

People need to sort things. It is only our nature that when we find something we give it a label and place it in a box with other things of the same kind. This is how we order our world. And we do need order. What I've always had trouble understanding is why some people use that system of order to push others down. It happened to Hisana, to Rukia, to Renji. The same sort of thinking caused my family to force me onto a pedestal, to hold me up over others and say that my class, my ranking, where I was placed and classified demanded that others were beneath me when it came to treatment, privilege, and love. But I never believed that for a moment.

The problem has never been what I believed. 

As a child, I accepted what my parents taught me, because they were my parents and there was love and trust between us. So even when it came to my social designation and plans for my future, I did not question what they expected. I wanted to please them and I wanted to do the right thing.

'Right' is a very elusive concept. What was right, to me, changed as I grew older. But I still loved my family…even if I was beginning to believe they were wrong about some things, that even though they taught me to think a certain way, there were some 'truths' that they gave me that were handed to me out of tradition…or fear.

When I lost my parents, Yoruichi, my comrades and my captain, I lost many of the ones who had guided me to view 'right' a certain way. Then Hisana entered my life and suddenly I was no longer willing to let someone else tell me what was right. I was holding 'right' in my arms and I was not about to let go.

I paid heavily for that. It was considered arrogant and wrong for me to trust as shaky a thing as the heart that beat within me. I made the choice to follow my heart, regardless. Hisana supported that. Even though she knew my family would oppose our union…even though staying with me would make her life more complicated…she was used to living with complication. She wasn't afraid of my family's displeasure. The road we walked couldn't be harder than that she had walked in Inuzuri. I loved her for her strength.

Maybe that's why when Renji became my vice captain, I saw him as unique, different, special. By then I was too buried in guilt to see it or act upon it to any great extent, but I did notice it. It is why I could trust him…to watch my back, and now to guard my heart. He has the same strength she did, the same lack of fear when it comes to facing the stiff designations in our society, the same belief that you have to do what's right even if it violates the rules…or what we feel…or if there is a price we might have to pay.

They have always had a kind of courage I lack. 

When Hisana died, it seemed as though the 'rightness' of our union went with her. I questioned why, if it was right for us to be together, was she taken away from me because of the ultimate expression of our love…a child? After I found Rukia, I questioned why, if I was following my heart, did I feel such pain even just looking at her? Was I being punished? Was what Hisana and I did wrong? Was it wrong for me to have granted my wife her dying wish? The Kuchiki elders were all too happy to help me answer those questions. My loss made me obedient again, because they assured me that my obedience to the law would protect me. I was too grief stricken to fight them anymore.

But the law failed me too.

I finally understand now. Because of Renji I know where everything went wrong. He said that sometimes you have to follow your heart, sometimes your head, and sometimes the law. He is right. All of those things are useful guides. But none is perfect, because no person is perfect. We each choose what is right for us. And we are at our best when we judge the rightness of something using a balance of heart, head, and law. We will make mistakes and we will disagree. We cannot help it. 'Right' means different things to different people. It always will.

"Captain Kuchiki?"

It feels unnatural to hear him call me that, but it is necessary here.

"Yes, Vice Captain."

"What is that?"

I raise my eyebrows to let him know he's stepping over a line. Ordinarily, this causes a very nervous reaction in Renji, a tremor in his voice or just anxious laughter. Today, that is not the case.

"I'm…sorry if it seems like I was butting in, but…the look on your face was, I don't know…troubled. Maybe it's none of my business, but…"

My eyes meet his and he seems to see that I am not angry.

"It's nothing, Renji."

A hurt look enters his eyes. I want to ask him why, but he turns back to his work and goes silent.

"It is…an invitation," I tell him.

Now he looks angry. He looks up and I can see that he wants to say more. I think he knows what it is. He knows and he is angry that I won't share it with him. But I don't want him to share this with me. I want to spare him the ugliness. So when I face down the Kuchiki elders, I will face them alone. Maybe it isn't the right thing to do…but I cannot bear the thought of how he would feel coming face to face with their displeasure. I can handle it. I've done this before. How do I make him understand?

"Renji," I say, then I stop, surprised at the glare, "Vice Captain,"

"Hai."

"Would you be able to join Rukia and me for dinner at the manor tonight?" I ask, trying to keep my tone neutral, relaxed.

He pauses, staring down at the report in front of him, and then his brown eyes meet mine for a moment.

"Didn't you say last night when we arrived that there were issues you needed to deal with before…"

"I was not referring to the same type of visit, Renji. There are a few issues for me to handle. Perhaps there wouldn't be if…"

"Okay, I said that I didn't have a problem with it," he says, rising, "The reports are finished. I would join you tonight, but I am training with some friends. Sorry. May I leave, Captain?"

Our eyes lock. He looks furious. Perhaps I deserve it.

"Of course, Vice Captain, you may go."

It's hard to watch him leave. He's always saying how important it is to share our burdens…and before he stopped me, that is what I had been preparing to do. But I didn't get the chance to tell him. He still doesn't know why I couldn't invite him to stay with me when we arrived here. It had nothing to do with him. It had to do with me…and the price of my being cold and distant with everyone. Before I can be with Renji in my own home, I have to right what is wrong between my household staff and me. It is a matter of great importance, because these people will learn what is between us…and I have given them every reason to use it against me. It is not their fault. I created this situation. I have to fix it. The difficulty is that I didn't create this problem in a single day. It will take time to remedy it.

The office has grown silent.

I stare at the summons for a moment longer, and then open it and read the inevitable words within.

To Byakuya Kuchiki, Clan Leader:

Word has reached this council of your recent association with Vice Captain Renji Abarai and this necessitates a special council to discuss the implications of that association. While it is not the will of the council to restrict personal interchanges in the lives of our clan leaders, it is in the best interests of the clan to ensure that such interchanges do not impact the standing of the clan in our society. To this end, we require your presence in special council tomorrow morning at 9 AM.

I could have prepared for this, given time…but now? I am not ready. I cannot answer their concerns, because I haven't answered the questions myself. I cannot delay the meeting. I don't know what to do.

I stare as the candle I am using burns down, but I surrender to the sleep before it leaves the room in darkness.

XXXXXXXXXX

I see the light in the office and I can't believe he's still there. He was almost done with everything on his desk when I left, so why is he still there?

I was really pissed at him earlier. It's like ever since we got here, he's been withdrawing from me. I know there's some bad stuff he's got to deal with, but before we got here, I thought that we would take care of that stuff together. I thought that he would want my help, but he just seems to want me out of the way.

I did tell him I would understand if we had to keep things quiet for a while, but I didn't think that meant we'd have to stay away from each other. I wish he'd explain it to me. When he tells me why he acts a certain way, I respect his choices even if I don't agree with them. I try to anyway. But he won't talk to me about it. And today he told a lie to avoid it. That hurt a lot.

But the hurt went both ways. He did seem to rethink what he was doing. He started to explain. He invited me to the manor. We probably could have worked this out. Instead, I just put the anger into my training and Byakuya dealt with things by not going home. This is wrong. We need to fix this.

I cross the street and check the door. It's locked, but all high-ranked officers have keys. I open the door and look in, expecting to see him working, but instead he is asleep at his desk. I lock the door behind me and move closer. He's holding the summons in his hand. I don't have to read it to know what it says. They know already. They know and he has to figure out what to say to them. They aren't giving him time to prepare himself. They want their say before he can collect himself, before he has a way to defend himself. Scheming bastards!

I come around behind him and slip my arms around him. He looks, feels, even smells different now that we're back. Today is the first time in weeks I've seen him wearing his scarf, haori, guards and kenseiken. It's almost strange to touch him when he's like this, because he wasn't surrounded by the symbols of his status and his power when we made love in Inuzuri. All of that was left behind. His skin is softer and smells more like cherry blossoms than it did in Inuzuri. He's back in his home and not having to bathe in an icy cold river. Why do I feel like he's a different person?

His eyes are open, but he's not saying anything. He's waiting for me to say something. I won't, though. What I want to tell him can't be put in words. But we need to move. This isn't the right place for this. I slide my hand down his arm, over the guard and lace my fingers into his. I feel him freeze. I squeeze his hand and pull a little. He takes the hint and stands, letting me lead him into the hallway, into the Captain's quarters. He sleeps here sometimes when he works late. I've never even been inside.

It's bigger than my quarters and more open. The best part is the huge jetted tub in the back of the room. The furniture is pretty standard, but everything is in pristine condition. We pause in the doorway. It's then that I notice his eyes.

There's no other way to describe it than to say they're…smoldering. I see it for a moment, then the next thing I know I'm being forced back against the partly open door, slamming it shut behind us. He puts a hand up beside my head and the lock snaps into place. He's got me trapped with his hands on either side of my head, his body so close to mine, I can feel the heat of it. He leans forward and whispers into my ear. I feel it all the way to my toes. Damn!

"Are you willing to listen now, Renji?"

Teasing again, dammit! I want to hurt him, but I'll play along. I can't trust my voice, so I just nod.

"Very well," he says, pressing his body against mine, "I want to apologize."

"Huh?"

He smiles. 

"I should have done a better job of explaining my actions when we returned. I promise you, I'll do that."

"It's okay…" I start to say, but I'm stopped by a very deep, very passionate kiss.

He's really enjoying this. He pulls back slightly.

"I don't want to talk about it now," he says, "I haven't finished apologizing."

"Ah…"

I start to say something, but it leaves my mind really quickly as he gives my mouth far more interesting things to do than talk. His kisses are brutally passionate now. His hands open the top of my shihakushou and slide around me, pulling me closer. He moves on down the side of my jaw, stroking with his tongue, nuzzling with lips and teeth. His hands slide down my back and pull my hips into his. He starts to move his hips against mine and my legs feel a little weak…but I'm not going to fall. He pretty much has me pinned against the door now. 

I reach up and let my fingers slide over the kenseiken, then down into the silken hair. I lock my arms around his shoulders and let my hips move with his. I can't describe how good it feels and it brings a very intense moan from deep in my throat. It gets a strong reaction. He raises his eyes to mine, then slides agonizingly slowly down my body, pulling my hakima free as he goes, trailing a line of kisses all of the way. 

He drops to his knees and runs his hands up my bare outer thighs to take hold of my hips, while his mouth works its way up the inside of one thigh, then the other. I can barely breathe as it is. I start to get really dizzy when he stops teasing and takes my cock in his mouth, moving slowly up and down, stroking deeply with his tongue, catching the head lightly with his teeth, and then sliding his tongue over the tip. I have to brace my hands against the door to keep from collapsing. It isn't going to work for long. He seems realize this and moves faster, the suction and strokes intensifying until I can't hold back anymore. I release into his mouth, panting heavily and moaning in pleasure. I have to say, he's gotten even better at this and he seems to have taken that lesson I gave him in swallowing to heart.

Now, what was it I was angry about?

I want to body tackle him and return the favor, but instead I drop to my knees, shrugging the shihakushou top off of my shoulders, then pulling him in for a penetrating kiss. At the same time, I unfasten his kenseiken and slide it carefully out of his hair. I set it on a low table near the door. The scarf comes off next and settles softly on top of his kenseiken. I stop at the haori out of respect, but he takes hold of my hands and brings them to its edge, his eyes asking me to remove it. I can't resist the invitation. The guards are next, then the top of his shihakushou. I stop for a moment, meeting his eyes again.

"Unless you want to do this on the floor, I suggest you get in bed," I tell him.

He looks extremely amused. He starts to get up and I pull his hakima loose. It doesn't even faze him. He simply steps out of it and moves to the bed. He starts to turn back to face me, but I flash step to join him, bringing him down onto the bed in a breathless heap. I actually surprised him! His eyes are wide and his heart is pounding so hard I can feel it beneath my hands. 

My 'apology' doesn't take as long as his, but he doesn't have any complaints.


	14. The Third Option

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya faces questions from the elders about his relationship with Renji...and Kisuke apprises them of a new possibility.

The sun is going to rise soon and I still don't know what to do.

I do know what I won't do. I will not do anything to dishonor the one I love. 

I love the way he looks when he sleeps. His red hair is loose and tumbled. His face still wears a faint smile, even relaxed in slumber. His lips and face are still flushed with passion from our lovemaking. His breathing is light and he sighs in his sleep when I trace the markings on his skin. I want to wake up to this every day for the rest of my life.

So I must consider the value of the kenseiken, this symbol of status, the mark of my power. What is its worth? If it was merely a sign of class, I would easily cast it aside, but it is not so meaningless. The kenseiken was first placed on me by my grandfather. He and I shared much in common. He was, like me, one who found that sometimes the rules and laws did not reflect what was right and when he was clan leader he worked to change things for the better. It had to be done slowly over time, because change is difficult in the noble clans. It takes patience and diplomacy. When he set the kenseiken on my head, it was a sign of the trust between us. He wanted me to continue what he started…to effect change for the better over time. This is why I accepted leadership. It is a burden sometimes. It complicates my life because of its demands. But even when things are difficult, I know I chose correctly, when I accepted the kenseiken and the trust that went with it.

"You didn't sleep at all, did you?"

I don't know when his eyes opened or how long he spent watching me.

"No."

"Should I make some tea? Do you feel like talking about it?"

What I feel is blessed.

"Yes…and yes."

A parting kiss, a brushing of his fingers on my skin, then he moves away, slipping a robe around his body. I watch him leave the room. It feels colder. Outside the window, dawn has arrived. 

There is a sudden soft sound, a familiar reiatsu, and a black cat appears outside the window. I slide it open and the cat steps inside, and then morphs into a naked woman. I sigh in annoyance and my eyes are focused firmly on hers.

"Put your clothes on, Demon Cat," I snap at her.

She chuckles and puts them on, her eyes laughing. It used to make me blush.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

She smiles.

"I came to help you solve your problem, Little Byakuya."

"Oh? And what problem would that be?" I ask, trying to sound unaffected.

But I am affected. I need to have hope that there is some kind of workable answer.

She laughs softly.

"Put on your clothes, Byakuya. You and Renji need to come with me. I promise you…you won't regret it."

"Yoruichi," I reply softly, "I have only…"

"I know…four hours. I know. Still you must come with me. We'll return in time," she promises.

"Ah, well, what can it hurt," I sigh, "but don't think I believe you when you say I won't regret it. If it involves you, I usually end up regretting it, Yoruichi."

That prompts a bout of giggles. Why does she so love tormenting me?

"That's not very nice," she pouts.

By the time Renji returns, I am dressed. He almost drops the tea when he sees Yoruichi.

"Hey Yoruichi!" he says, obviously happy to see her, "what are you doing here?"

"Taking great delight in tormenting me…what else?" I sigh, half-smiling.

"Don't listen to him, Renji," she laughs, "He's always cranky in the morning."

"And you know that how?" Renji asks, glancing at me.

I cannot hide my scowl.

"I mentored him," she explains, "and sometimes he wouldn't wake up on time, so I…"

"Didn't you say we should go?" I ask calmly.

"But she was just about to tell me…"

"Tea, Byakuya," Yoruichi interjects, "He just brought you your morning tea. I wouldn't dream of disrupting your morning routine. Wouldn't want you to be all out of sorts."

"I'm already out of sorts, Demon Cat."

"Would you two stop?" Renji grins, "I want to know what she did to you."

Yoruichi giggles again. My face feels hotter than my tea.

"Well…" Yoruichi says, ignoring my frown, "Sometimes he wouldn't get up, so I would flash step into his room and upend his bed."

I'm blushing furiously now. Renji looks confused.

"O-kay," he says, "I guess that's funny, but…"

"That's how I found out…"

She giggles again. I will find a way to make her pay for this!

"That's how I found out that Little Byakuya slept only in his bare skin…at least until that day he did!"

Now, they're both laughing. I am not. I clear my throat and they look back at me, pause, and burst into laughter again. I sigh and finish my tea…scowling.

XXXXXXXXXX

I don't know what Yoruichi has in mind, but I do know that if Byakuya is going along with whatever she's up to, then he has to be really worried about what's going to happen at that meeting. She's brought us to the living world and I can tell by the path we're taking that we're going to Urahara's shop. I think Byakuya knows this. His scowl just got deeper.

We flash step to the door and Yoruichi lets us inside. She takes us into a room where we gather around a low table and Tessai brings tea. After a few minute, Kisuke walks in. He smiles at Yoruichi.

"Ah…you got them here. Thanks, Yoruichi. I was hoping they'd be interested. Welcome gentlemen."

I have to wonder just what he's up to. You never know with Kisuke Urahara. He sits down and takes a sip of tea. His eyes are twinkling…yup, definitely up to something.

"Yoruichi tells me you two have a problem," he says, looking at Byakuya.

"Yes," Byakuya says, looking fairly unruffled, but I know he's wary, "The Kuchiki elders have heard that Renji and I are lovers. They are concerned that this will jeopardize my ability to fulfill one of my duties as a clan leader. When I took the vows of leadership, I did agree to bring forth heirs. This ensures the continuance of the power I wield."

"Right," Kisuke says, smiling, "but now you have a problem, because you and Renji can't do that…right?"

Byakuya looks a little nervous.

"Right," he agrees.

"I may be able to help you. You see, you are not the only male couple with issues like this, and although I can't change the fact that reproduction requires some things only found in the female gender, I found a way to let couples like you have children."

I wait for all hell to break loose, but the room gets very quiet…too quiet. I look at Byakuya. His expression is odd…a blend of disbelief and what looks like hope. I am so busy thinking about him, it takes me a moment to realize what that means for me. I know I must be wearing a similar expression.

"How?" Byakuya asks softly.

Kisuke smiles cryptically.

"Well, I discovered a process that uses genetic material from two males along with the necessary components from a donor female. With that and some spirit particles from all three, it is possible for you and Renji to have children."

"How…?"

"Ah, yes, it does require a surrogate to carry the child."

I'm feeling so many things all at once that I don't know what they all are. I mean, I'm a little nervous, because Byakuya and I just got together and we haven't had a day of normal life as a couple. We've been dealing with his power loss, my abduction, not to mention the fact we almost got killed escaping from Hueco Mundo. I'm wise enough to know that how we handle normal life is just as important. We have a ways to go before …

"And I imagine you have tested this…and there is…an assurance of success?" Byakuya asks.

"Of course. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't already know it would work. I can definitely provide proof."

"I see," he says softly.

I look at Byakuya's face and there are a thousand emotions crossing his features.

XXXXXXXXXX

I am not quite sure why, but Byakuya wants me to be at this meeting. I'm more than a little nervous, because I've never been to a clan council. I don't have any idea what it will be like. All he told me was to sit calmly beside him and only speak if I was directly asked questions.

Byakuya is in full regalia, of course. He looks fantastic. I'm thinking that last night helped to raise his spirits, because his eyes have a lively shine to them. He looks perfectly calm. I still wonder how he does that. If someone was trying to dictate my future I wouldn't be so calm. But then, he isn't always what he looks like on the surface.

I wonder what he'll say. I don't envy him having to do this.

"The council is seated, sir," the council officer tells Byakuya.

He nods and turns to follow. I am a step behind him. I hear a few very soft whispers as we enter, but the room is, for the most part, silent. Byakuya moves to the head of the table and I sit down in a chair to his right. The head elder calls the meeting to order. My mind drifts a little as they talk briefly about a few unrelated clan issues, then the head elder stands to speak.

"Byakuya, we've come to this council to address a matter of great concern. According to information provided to this council, you have established an intimate relationship with Renji Abarai. Is this true?"

"It is," Byakuya says softly.

"And you are aware that when you accepted the kenseiken and leadership of the clan, you did promise to provide the clan with heirs to safeguard the continuance of our power, did you not?"

"I did."

"The council requests that you explain your actions and how you plan to keep the promise you made."

I don't know about him, but my heart is pounding. I feel the weight of their eyes on us. Byakuya still looks calm…serene.

"There is no question," he begins, "that a noble clan must concern itself with continuance of the clan. But even pursuing that, the council must remember that a clan leader is still a person…and that no person's rights should be taken away. This includes my right to privacy. For as long as the clan has assurance that the promises will be kept, it can move on to concern itself with other matters. I have given my promise that I will bring forth heirs…and I will. I offer you no further explanation. Simply put…it is not your business how I will fulfill that obligation."

The head elder scowls.

"Byakuya, in light of your current…relationship, you must provide…"

"I have already said that I will honor the promise I made," Byakuya interjects calmly.

I feel the tension soaring between them. I'm worried for him. These people are kind of scary.

"Byakuya, it is within the rights of the clan to set an agreed on amount of time to keep your promise."

"I understand," he says, nodding, "I will agree to provide an heir within the next ten years."

He glances at me and smiles.

"Byakuya, we have already waited while you dallied with that other peasant…"

The room just went completely quiet. His spirit energy is rising quickly and the council members are beginning to look very uncomfortable. He glares at the head elder and I'm thinking this guy's going to sink through the floor. But he just stares back, looking a bit more pale.

"Who I choose to be with is not this council's concern. And I would warn the members of this council to treat the memory of my wife with proper respect. In addition, you will not disrespect any who I choose to love. As I said, I have given my word that my promise will be kept and, pursuant to the clan rules, I have set a reasonable time limit. This council has no grounds to continue this session. I move for dismissal."

The room erupts in chaos. Byakuya looks at me apologetically. I know he feels bad about what the head elder said. But it wasn't his fault…and it felt good to hear him come to my defense. The head elder calls the members back to order. He looks pretty pissed, but he also looks whipped. 

"Byakuya," the head elder says, "I find your continued rebellious behavior disturbing. While the council will be dismissed at this time, we reserve the right to recall you here on this matter as the council feels the necessity."

"Of course," Byakuya says smoothly, his eyes blinking slowly.

"This council is dismissed," the head elder growls.

Byakuya gets up and I follow him out of the council hall. His strides are long and his reiatsu is still flaring. If I was on that council, I wouldn't be too quick to cross him again. I notice that he's not heading back to the 6th division office.

"Hey, where are we going?" I ask, practically jogging to keep up.

He notices how fast he's walking and slows a bit.

"I thought we would go to the manor, Renji," he says, glancing at me.

"But I thought that…"

"Now that the council has met, there is little need for posturing, Renji."

"So that means," I prompt him.

"It means that we don't need to concern ourselves with what anyone else thinks. I'm almost glad the council pushed for this meeting. I think it ended up working in our favor."

We arrive at the manor and he asks for lunch to be served in his private garden in an hour. Then he starts down the hallway. He looks back to see that I'm following. I have this funny thought as we head towards his bedroom. I remember when Rukia and I were searching it…how good it would feel to sink into that very comfortable bed. I had no idea back then that it would ever be a possibility.

"Renji?"

I stopped walking. Oops.

"Why are you smiling like that?" he asks.

"Oh," I say, "I was just thinking about when Rukia and I were looking for clues to where you went."

"Yes?"

"I was…thinking about how comfortable your bed looked…"

"I see," he says.

Now he's smiling too.

"Would you like to find out if it is as comfortable as it looks?" he asks, opening the door and standing back to let me in.

"Well, if you insist."

The bed, it turns out, is even more comfortable than it looks…especially when we share it. We'll have to get up soon. They're going to have lunch ready for us in the garden. 

"So," I ask him, "are we ever going to talk about what Kisuke said?"

I've been wondering ever since we left the living world. He hasn't said anything at all.

"Of course, Renji," he assures me, "I just didn't want either of us to feel rushed. Remember, we have ten years to think about it."

I'm thinking that it's going to be a fun ten years.


End file.
